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Sophia Kandelaki

​File this under things that would make good Law & Order episodes and/or Bravo TV shows: The New York Post reports that one-legged millionaire Thomas Hartmann was convicted Friday of assaulting Sophia Kandelaki with the Rolex on his wrist on the Upper East Side. On the stand Kandelaki described herself as a "gunpoint kidnapping survivor, a reality star hopeful, a stripper, a private shopper, a vegan chef, a singer, a composer and an expert in 'deep, inner tantric massage.'" Did you get all that?

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​While the general message from the Bloomberg administration has been that crime is down, that people are healthier, that everything is groovy, the New York Times City Room blog reports on a crime increase in one area: Bank robberies in New York City nearly doubled from 2010, when there were 26, to 2011, when there were 44 armed incidents. Of course, this is still nothing like the gritty days of yesteryear (in 1979 there were 319 armed bank robberies). But still! To what do we attribute this increase, which, along with more man-on-bank crime, has brought us cinema-ready villains like the "Bouquet Bandit" (above, caught) and the "Dapper Bandit," a/k/a Dana Connor, pictured after the jump, who is still on the loose?

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​Steven Seagal has no patience for lawbreakers. He's made this clear countless times in his movies and he demonstrated this repeatedly during his A&E reality show, Steven Seagal: Lawman. Despite his outspoken stance against breaking the law, people keep doing it; namely, illegal immigrants. You may say these people just want a better life for their families or you may accuse them of stealing jobs--it doesn't matter anymore: Seagal has vowed to put an end to it. The San Antonio Express-News reports Steven Seagal was sworn in this week as a deputy at the Hudspeth County Sheriff's Office in Texas. He will be working full time with the department, helping them secure the US-Mexico border.

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Chinchilla rabbit

​Never call someone a "rabbit chinchilla." This is the lesson we may learn from a recent incident at the Old Gallery bar in Kensington, Brooklyn, where the two words -- innocent apart, angry-making together -- from an off-duty cop caused Pablo Negron to grab the gun from another cop and open fire, reports the Daily News. They were also fighting about a woman, and they were drinking, which makes a little more sense, at least in so far as we know bars, and bar fights.

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​A man who describes himself as a "zombie enthusiast" (the correct term is "zombie aficionado") was arrested at the Port Authority Bus Terminal on Tuesday. The Post reports that 25-year-old Christopher Rodger had a camouflage bag full of "swords, knives, burglar tools, night-vision goggles and hand-drawn blueprints." You spend hours on a cramped Peter Pan bus eager to get to The Big Apple to fight some zombies, but you can't even make it out onto 8th Avenue. Life!

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Charred door + poop (Staten Island Advance/John Annese)

​Okay, this is absurd because one of the following attacks would get the point across just fine: A Staten Island man by the name of Rasheen (Illuminati) Harrison (?) stripped naked, rubbed poop on the door of his pregnant ex-girlfriend's apartment, and then lit his clothes and the door on fire, all at 5:30 a.m. "I'm going to set your house on fire and this whole building down with you in it," he said, plus curse words. "I'm the devil!" he screamed, according to neighbors. "Yeah, I did it," he told police. "She stole my cell phone. I had a yellow lighter. I set it on fire." There was no question he did it -- his hands were covered in shit.

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The late David Carradine.

​Hemet, California's Zen Timothy Singleton is in jail after allegedly chasing his in-laws through the streets with a samurai sword. The Riverside Press-Enterprise reports that his father-in-law was slashed in the leg and his brother-in-law was wounded by glass shattered during the melee. Police won't say what started the argument that led to the attack, but you are free to enter your own mother-in-law joke in the space provided below.

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jurvetson

​Two jewelers are accused of hiring men to fake-rob their Midtown offices in order to collect insurance money, the New York Post reports. Mahiveer Kankariya and Atul Shah went on trial today, and the specifics of their alleged scheme sound pretty fun, if not short-sighted and poorly executed.

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Self-portrait

​Colton Harris-Moore, known in the mainstream media as the "Barefoot Bandit," was arrested. Wait, who? Associate Press: "The teenage 'Barefoot Bandit' who allegedly stole cars, boats, and airplanes to dodge U.S. law enforcement was nabbed Sunday as he tried to make a water escape then brought handcuffed -- and shoeless -- to the capital to face justice, abruptly ending his two-year life on the lam." Whoa.

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