Federal Judge Hilariously Exasperated Over Hedge Fund Giant Steve Cohen's Never-Ending Divorce

Like this, kind of, but with way more suing and allegations of skullduggery.
Here's a fun fact: if you're wealthy enough -- we mean really, really rich -- your divorce proceedings can literally last forever. That's the lesson we can all take away from the unhappy tale of hedge fund behemoth Steve Cohen, who runs the enormously lucrative, highly secretive S.A.C. Capital Advisors, and his ex-wife of 26 years, Patricia.

The couple married in 1979 and separated in 1988, but the squabbling over money continues to this very day, buttressed by Patricia's certainty that her ex-husband and his brother, Donald, hid lots of cash from her. In 2009, Patricia sued the Cohen brothers, alleging that they were engaged in nothing less than racketeering, insider trading, money laundering, misuse of the U.S. Postal System, and various other kinds of real bad fraud, and that they owed her roughly $300 million (she later reduced that claim to $8.25 million).

Yesterday, U.S. District Court Judge William Pauley threw out Patricia's racketeering claims, but ruled that Steve must still face her allegations of fraud and "breach of fiduciary duty." In the process, he threw out some serious zingers on the nature of love, marriage, and the dangers of trying to "spice up" one's divorce with RICO claims.

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Divorcing? NYC Plays Host to Divorce Expo This Weekend

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The phrase "divorce expo" sounds like something out of the 1939 film The Women, which depicts women traveling to Reno to extricate themselves from their marital unions. But that is what New York is playing host to this weekend with "Start Over Smart: A Modern Divorce Expo," taking place at the Metropolitan Pavilion on West 18th Street today and tomorrow. While this event is not about skirting the strict divorce laws of yore à la Betty Draper, according to the expo's founders, it does attempt to make the process of divorce easier for both women and men.

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Payroll Tax Cut Extended; Kobe Bryant Divorce; Rare 'Generator Suicide' to Blame for Fatal Elevator Accident?

Senate leaders agreed to extend the payroll tax cut, the Washington Post reports, "averting a New Year's tax increase for millions of workers." "Under the separate Senate agreement on the payroll tax, the rate paid by 160 million workers would remain at 4.2 percent through February, rather than reverting to 6.2 percent on Jan. 1." The legislation also includes language that would force the Obama administration to make a decision about the 1,700-mile Keystone XL pipeline within 60 days. [Washington Post]

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Kardashian Sham Marriage/Divorce Given the Next Media Animation Treatment

Here it is. The worker elves at Next Media Animation have cranked this one out in the blink of an eye, post-Kardashian/Humphries split:

Not their best, but solid.

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Ruth Madoff Dumps Bernie

Ruth Madoff has finally left Bernie Madoff, her husband of 52 years who will be behind bars for the rest of his life. According to the Post, it's a last-ditch attempt to re-forge a connection with estranged son Andrew, who shunned her completely after the suicide of his brother Mark in December of last year. Andrew's family even turned her away when she flew to Greenwich to attend Mark's memorial service at Andrew's home. More »

Avraham Rabinowich, Long Island Rabbi, Videotaped With Prostitute on the Sabbath

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Dr. Amora Rachelle, the ex-wife of Avraham Rabinowich, vice president of the Long Island Board of Rabbis, is going hard in her custody battle with a pretty inexcusable, not-so-secret weapon, which she's handed right over to the New York Post. With the help of a private investigator, Amora taped her children's father being serviced by a call girl and her madam, who was actually Amora's private eye. "Since when are prostitutes kosher?" Amora asked, with expert media savvy. "And what kind of rabbi is he? He didn't even take these prostitutes to the mikvah [Jewish ritual cleansing bath] first. What is he doing, praying or laying?" The rabbi said he had "no response," though his lawyer piped up to call the sting a "setup" (well, yes) and insist, "It doesn't matter, this was five or six years ago." It was six months before the couple's divorce was finalized.

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American Drones Carry Out Strikes in Somalia; Maria Shriver Files for Divorce

The United States has stepped up efforts against Islamic extremist groups in Somalia, the New York Times reports. Unmanned drone attacks late last month marked the first American military action in the nation since 2009. Shabab members were targeted after reports that the group was carrying out discussions with Al Qaeda operatives in Yemen about organizing possible attacks against the United States. [NYT]

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Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver Split; Prince William and Kate Leave on Honeymoon; Microsoft Buys Skype

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• Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are splitting after 25 years of marriage. The pair has "appealed for privacy." [LAT]

• Speaking of relationships, the Staten Island woman who hit her boyfriend/father of her child with a pot because he didn't give her anything for Mother's Day "ran off hand-in-hand with him yesterday after her arraignment on assault charges." [NYP]

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Happy Teenagers More Likely to Divorce Later in Life, Killjoy Researchers Say

Lawyer up, you snot-nosed idiots.
Good news, parents! You've spent years watching your well-adjusted, socially outgoing teenagers cherish life and have fun while your marriage crumbles around you. That won't last long! The Huffington Post reports that researchers at the University of Cambridge have found that happy teenagers are more likely to get divorced later in life. Take that, you smiling, pug-faced brats!

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The Foot Model and the Doorman: When Love Dies

The lovely couple.
Closing out a very important series of punny exclusives from the New York Post, the foot model (the "Heidi Klum of foot models," to be exact), who fell in love with her Upper East Side doorman (they had to hide their love for fear of getting in trouble with the building/neighbors/snotty people who feel that foot models should not be with doormen) has now filed for divorce from her man. Alas.

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