At CPAC (that's "Conservative Political Action Conference" for those of you who don't trust the liberal bias of acronyms) this morning, Donald Trump told the gathered audience of Email chain letter–forwarders that "Our Country is in very, very serious trouble." Luckily, Trump let everyone know exactly what is wrong with America--and also what is right. If you don't have time to watch the video below, we've condensed his insights into a potent stew, much like Trump Cologne (available at Macy's).

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As the New York Times faces budget cutbacks and new digital media threats, talks of an enormous buyout have risen a good deal in media circles. And rumor has it that the Donald has been recently hosting meetings on ways to become its new owner. It's safe to say that the Sulzberger family would never even imagine giving the reigns over to Trump, especially after he crudely criticized columnist Gail Collins.

So yeah, no.

Cue his advice from The Apprentice for further research.

[jsurico15@gmail.com/@JSuricz]

Billionaire publicity skank Donald Trump announced on Monday that he would be making a huge, gynormous, earth-shattering announcement on Twitter today at noon.

"It's all in one -- everything -- it's very big," the Donald said on Fox and Friends Monday.

As you can see in the video above, Trump's "major announcement" is just that he wants to throw his money around to try and prove the continuously debunked conspiracy theory that Barack Obama isn't a U.S. citizen.

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He makes his announcement today on Twitter at noon. Shortly thereafter, we will hit the unfollow button.

So on Monday, New York City's biggest attention whore, Donald Trump, appeared on the single worst television show of any kind in the whole fucking world Fox News' Fox & Friends and told Doocy et al that he had found "something very, very big" about President Obama, something with the power to maybe even decimate the president's campaign, to end the president's political career, and that he'd let us know today around noon.

Trump, flawed as he is, is undeniably good at keeping himself in the news without actually doing anything newsworthy, so like the beaten pups that we media outlets are, we spent Monday morning on wondering what this wigged kumquat of a man had in store for us.

This announcement could be something and/or nothing at all, but much of the media is playing ball. For something to be as big as Trump claims, it has to be a deal breaker, both politically and personally. There are a couple theories going around. Maybe Trump found evidence that this man is indeed from Kenya, even though we've already seen the president's birth certificate many times now. Maybe Obama's a secret Muslim (read: terrorist), even though the president is baptized, goes to a Protestant church and has spent the last three and a half years systematically hunting and remotely butchering the absolute shit out of Muslims.

Maybe the dude's gay.

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(Sigh)

Presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Barack Obama sparred last night in a 90-minute debate viewed by an estimated 40 million Americans.

Regardless of who you think won the debate, the truth is we're all losers -- billionaire buffoon Donald Trump was mentioned twice.

Of all the fruitcake reality TV "stars" in America, Trump was the only one referenced by both candidates -- further fueling his already bulbous ego, and acknowledging that he is somehow relevant to the national discussion on, well, anything.

And "The Donald" -- who suffers from something we refer to as "Arpaio Syndrome" -- is lovin' the attention.

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Earlier this week, Donald Trump promised that his acts of scumbaggery towards Huffington Post founder Arianna Huffington were just getting started. Today, the world's trashiest billionaire made good on his promise.

On Tuesday -- in fine 13-year-old girl fashion -- Trump took to Twitter to call Huffington ugly. He went on to "tweet" that "I fully understand why her husband left her for a man -- he made a good decision."

Now, he claims he intentionally raised rent to $100,000 at one of his apartment buildings to keep her from moving in.

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This guy has the gall to call someone "unattractive."

Just in case you were worried that America's trashiest billionaire was going to stop making a complete ass of himself every single day, you can relax -- Donald Trump has pledged to continue to act like an asshole; class, civility, and maturity be damned.

Trump has demonstrated -- time and again -- that he's immune to shame, and subsequently unaware when he should feel the normal human emotion of humiliation. Today is no exception.

As we reported earlier, The Donald -- who reportedly has been a little pissy as of late -- "tweeted" that Arianna Huffington is "unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man - he made a good decision."

Further reading on Trump:

Donald Trump Gets Statemanly By Calling Arianna Huffington Ugly. Florida GOP Stands By His Statesmanship
You've been Tumped
Donald Trump Is Still A "Birther" -- And Still Embarrassing Himself

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Donald Trump used Twitter to call someone ugly. He's officially a 13-year-old girl.

Billions of dollars can buy just about anything, but it can't buy class -- as is made painfully obvious by "Birther" billionaire Donald Trump on almost a daily basis.

The Donald's latest act of douchiness happened just a few hours ago -- like a 13-year-old girl, he took to Twitter this morning to call Huffington Post founder Arianna Huffington ugly.

As you can see in the image above, Trump's tweet made the jump from immature to flat-out sleazy when he got personal about Huffington's gay former husband.

The comment comes just days after Trump was named "Statesman of the Year" by the Sarasota County Republican Party, which tells the Voice it has no plans to strip him of the honor, despite his less-than-statesmanly comments (more on that below).

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*UPDATE* Trump Gets Statesman-ly By Calling Arianna Huffington Ugly On Twitter. Sarasota GOP Stands By His Statesmanship.

Well, the sun came up yesterday, which means one thing: Donald Trump humiliated himself by rambling on and on (and on) about fictitious birth certificates, Hawaiian twins, and a Kenyan Manchurian Candidate.

The bumbling billionaire was near Tampa, Florida last night, where -- yet again -- he spouted off some of his perpetual "birther" propaganda in front of a crowd of people who all should have been thinking one thing: "is this guy seriously still talking about this?"

The Donald was presented last night with the Sarasota County Republican Party's "Statesman Of The Year" award, which he used as platform to weigh in on a joke presidential candidate Mitt Romney made last week about President Barack Obama's birth certificate -- which has now led to the unfortunate resurrection of the "Birther" debate.

Further reading on Trump:

You've been Tumped
Donald Trump Is Still A "Birther" -- And Still Embarrassing Himself

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Let's face it: the possible First Lady has had a rough week. The news cycle was head over heels with the recent housewife controversy that sparked between the Romney tent, Hillary Rosen and Bill Maher. You know, that whole comment about Ann "never actually [working] a day in her life." Yeah, that one. And, to top it all off, it was her birthday yesterday. Ouch.
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