Donald Trump's Fake Gubernatorial Campaign Will Soon Have a Fake Exploratory Committee

Future president or governor or whatever.
Famous orange-American Donald Trump has had a busy few months, feuding with State Attorney General Eric Schneiderman, pretending to be friends with recently deceased civil rights icon Nelson Mandela, and fulminating on Twitter about how climate change isn't real because it's cold outside during winter. But he's still found time for one of this favorite hobbies: pretending to run for office.

Every so often for the past 25 years or so, perhaps whenever his ratings start to sag or his hideous tie collection is selling less briskly, Trump feels the urge to pretend he's considering a run for some ever-changing political position: mayor, governor, president, President for Life. Back in October, he was hinting yet again at a totally real run for president . That bout of hinting passed without Trump ever making a formal announcement, both because it's way too early for presidential candidates to start declaring themselves and because he will never actually run for anything.

But four days ago, Buzzfeed's McKay Coppins called Trump's bluff.

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Donald Trump Hints at Run for President, Will Definitely Win This Time

The painful shutdown of the federal government has made one thing all too clear: This country needs better leadership. Leadership only an enraged, self-aggrandizing cantaloupe can provide. Now, where could we find one of--oh hey, here's Donald Trump, hinting clumsily on Twitter again that he'll be running for president in 2016. To the Delusion Mobile! More »

Here's Donald Trump Losing It on Twitter After the New York Attorney General Sued His Ridiculous Faux University

Two years ago, New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman's office started investigating a number of for-profit colleges, suspecting they were exaggerating the ability of their graduates to get jobs, downplaying the cost of attendance, and over-hyping the generally crappy quality of their instruction. Last week, the A.G.'s office got a $10.25 million settlement out of one of those schools, an august learning institution called Career Education Corporation. We thought the next target on the AG's list would likely be Trump University, now called Trump Entrepreneur Initiative, which is where you go to learn the secrets of business from a man who's filed for bankruptcy four times.More »

Illinois For-Profit College Pays $10.25 Million Settlement to New York Attorney General To Settle Charges of Scamminess. Will Trump University Be Next?

The face of quality, non-bullshit education.
The past couple years have not been kind to Career Education Corporation. The Illinois-based for-profit school is the fourth-largest in the nation; it operates hundreds of campuses across 23 states and 5 countries , and currently serves about 75,000 students. It also appears, if we can use a technical term, to be kind of bullshit. New York State Attorney General Eric Schneiderman announced yesterday that CEC would pay a $10.25 million settlement , after a two-year investigation found that the school had wildly exaggerated its job placement rates to lure in new students.

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Runaway Success-Train Donald Trump Knows What's Wrong With America

At CPAC (that's "Conservative Political Action Conference" for those of you who don't trust the liberal bias of acronyms) this morning, Donald Trump told the gathered audience of Email chain letter–forwarders that "Our Country is in very, very serious trouble." Luckily, Trump let everyone know exactly what is wrong with America--and also what is right. If you don't have time to watch the video below, we've condensed his insights into a potent stew, much like Trump Cologne (available at Macy's).

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Here's How Donald Trump Would Run The Times (Even Though He Probably Won't)

As the New York Times faces budget cutbacks and new digital media threats, talks of an enormous buyout have risen a good deal in media circles. And rumor has it that the Donald has been recently hosting meetings on ways to become its new owner. It's safe to say that the Sulzberger family would never even imagine giving the reigns over to Trump, especially after he crudely criticized columnist Gail Collins.

So yeah, no.

Cue his advice from The Apprentice for further research.


Here's Donald Trump's Not-So-Major Announcement (Of Course It's Birther-Related)

Billionaire publicity skank Donald Trump announced on Monday that he would be making a huge, gynormous, earth-shattering announcement on Twitter today at noon.

"It's all in one -- everything -- it's very big," the Donald said on Fox and Friends Monday.

As you can see in the video above, Trump's "major announcement" is just that he wants to throw his money around to try and prove the continuously debunked conspiracy theory that Barack Obama isn't a U.S. citizen.

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If Trump's Obama Doozy Is What Douglas Kass Thinks Is Trump's Obama Doozy, Then Trump Just Stole the Last 48 Hours of Our Lives

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He makes his announcement today on Twitter at noon. Shortly thereafter, we will hit the unfollow button.
So on Monday, New York City's biggest attention whore, Donald Trump, appeared on the single worst television show of any kind in the whole fucking world Fox News' Fox & Friends and told Doocy et al that he had found "something very, very big" about President Obama, something with the power to maybe even decimate the president's campaign, to end the president's political career, and that he'd let us know today around noon.

Trump, flawed as he is, is undeniably good at keeping himself in the news without actually doing anything newsworthy, so like the beaten pups that we media outlets are, we spent Monday morning on wondering what this wigged kumquat of a man had in store for us.

This announcement could be something and/or nothing at all, but much of the media is playing ball. For something to be as big as Trump claims, it has to be a deal breaker, both politically and personally. There are a couple theories going around. Maybe Trump found evidence that this man is indeed from Kenya, even though we've already seen the president's birth certificate many times now. Maybe Obama's a secret Muslim (read: terrorist), even though the president is baptized, goes to a Protestant church and has spent the last three and a half years systematically hunting and remotely butchering the absolute shit out of Muslims.

Maybe the dude's gay.

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In A Presidential Debate Where Donald Trump Is Referenced Twice, There Are No Winners

Presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Barack Obama sparred last night in a 90-minute debate viewed by an estimated 40 million Americans.

Regardless of who you think won the debate, the truth is we're all losers -- billionaire buffoon Donald Trump was mentioned twice.

Of all the fruitcake reality TV "stars" in America, Trump was the only one referenced by both candidates -- further fueling his already bulbous ego, and acknowledging that he is somehow relevant to the national discussion on, well, anything.

And "The Donald" -- who suffers from something we refer to as "Arpaio Syndrome" -- is lovin' the attention.

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Donald Trump Officially Is A 13-Year-Old Girl


Earlier this week, Donald Trump promised that his acts of scumbaggery towards Huffington Post founder Arianna Huffington were just getting started. Today, the world's trashiest billionaire made good on his promise.

On Tuesday -- in fine 13-year-old girl fashion -- Trump took to Twitter to call Huffington ugly. He went on to "tweet" that "I fully understand why her husband left her for a man -- he made a good decision."

Now, he claims he intentionally raised rent to $100,000 at one of his apartment buildings to keep her from moving in.

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