Congratulations, America: We Have Made Charlie Sheen More Famous Than Ever

You know who we love, as a nation, more than a role model, a hero, or even a person who fucks up and then repents and goes on to better and more responsible things? We love an unmitigated fuck-up who fucks up again and again, hurting himself and others, each time becoming more and more mired in a stew of crazy, saying things that are, in their short but impactful bursts of batshit, perfect for tweeting or Tumbling, and also good for real, live soundbites on real, live TV, so that the rest of America can sit back in shock and horror and, above all, entertainment while eating their TV dinners and thinking, Wow, glad that's not me.

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Man Shoveling Snow Plummets 12 Feet Through Sidewalk Grate

The offending grate, via the Daily News/Costanza
Continuing in our "biggest fears of NYC" chronology, a man has fallen 12 feet through a sidewalk grate in Inwood. There's more to it than that, though. The man, 23-year-old Eric Pagan, was a part-time Sanitation worker who'd been called in as "an emergency snow shoveler" yesterday. He was supposed to be shoveling the sidewalk at the end of his shift, when, in accident dubbed as "harrowing" by the New York Post, he stepped on the grate's edge, it flipped over him, and he went "straight down."

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Former Staten Island Minister Continues in Rather Epic Plummet From Grace

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It's hard to get to the end of even the headline of this New York Post story about a former Staten Island minister who embezzled $84,000 from his parish to keep himself in plastic surgeries and Botox treatments, who got busted...and who's now been arrested for drunk driving. Whew, dude's got a lot going on!

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Update: Lindsay Lohan Back in Jail for Failing Two Drug Tests

Update: Despite doubts that Lindsay Lohan would be sent immediately to jail at her hearing today, that's exactly what happened. Judge Elden Fox ordered her held there without bail until her next court date of October 22 (almost 30 days if she is indeed there the entire time), and per CNN, "she was taken from the courtroom in handcuffs."

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Theophilus Burroughs: Hamas-Praising Weapons Dealer, My High School Music Teacher

By Ryan Gellis

Most people who heard about Theophilus Burroughs' bust for attempting to sell night-vision goggles, 200,000 counterfeit cigarette stamps, and bulletproof vests to undercover operatives he thought were connected to Middle East terror organizations probably uttered a "WTF?" and moved right on, albeit feeling a little safer. But to me the news was a bit more personal. Burroughs was my high school music teacher.

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Jay Mariotti, Sportscaster/Domestic Assault Tough Talk Advocate, Arrested for Domestic Assault

Sportswriter and noted asshole Jay Mariotti has been arrested for domestic assault. The LAPD is saying he and his girlfriend left a club arguing, and Mariotti "pushed and shoved her, and also left marks on her arm." A little hypocritical, don't you think, coming from a dude who called for stricter MLB punishments for violent baseball players.More »

Teacher Fakes Stairwell Tumble to Sidestep Classroom Evaluation

Performance reviews suck for a subpar performer, but they're even worse for a straight-up bad actor. An untenured Brooklyn teacher staged a tumble down the stairs at the High School for Innovation in Advertising and Media on the day she was scheduled to have a classroom observation, according to the Post. Kinda like playing hooky!

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Temporary Walls Come Down: Roommates in Converted Apartments Are About to Get Cozier

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Apartment hunting may be the second worst experience endured by city dwellers, only to be beat by subsequent furniture moving. Throughout it all, "building a wall" has been a longtime saving grace for cash-strapped New Yorkers in need of a place to sleep. The case used to be: Can't afford a two bedroom? Convert and squeeze. Now this situation is becoming more and more unfeasible as the city is tearing down walls that violate building codes, according to the New York Times.

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Six Ways Lindsay Lohan Might Spend Her Time in Jail

If only the public humiliation had ended with that Fire Crotch moniker, dear LiLo's troubles would've been so yesteryear. But now that the synthetically swollen-lipped Mean Girl is being sentenced to 90 days in the slammer for probation violation, we're actually chortling like the Pillsbury Dough Boy (along with Avril Lavigne and that waitress who punched her last week on her 24th birthday). Why? Because Lindsay has been stagnant in a slimy larva stage for way too long while the world waits for her to become a full-fledged butterfly and escape her own Vortex of Suck.

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Lindsay Lohan Headed for 90-Day Stints in Jail and Rehab

Lindsay Lohan was sentenced this afternoon to jail for violating her probation. When she failed to show up for her court-ordered alcohol education classes, Judge Marsha Revel gave her 90 days in the big house, plus another 90 days of rehab. Can't say we didn't see this coming.

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