"As a consultant prepared our marijuana-smoking lab . . ." So begins this delightfully straight-faced CNN investigative report, in which the producers got Washington State drivers increasingly high in between repeated outings behind the wheel on a closed course to test their performance. The rest is journalism history.

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If you have three drunk driving convictions, one of these is probably in your future.

Governor Andrew Cuomo yesterday laid out new regulations for when dangerous drivers can regain their driving privileges after getting convicted of serious driving offenses, and it seems a lot of people will soon be taking the bus.

The new regulations, designed to keep drivers with a history of driving wasted off the road, will keep an estimated 20,000 New Yorkers from getting their driving privileges reinstated -- in many cases, the revocation will be permanent -- according to the Department of Motor Vehicles.

"We are saying 'enough is enough' to those who have chronically abused their driving privileges and threatened the safety of other drivers, passengers, and pedestrians," Cuomo says. "This comprehensive effort will make New York safer by keeping these drivers off our roadways."   

The new regulations -- issued by the DMV as "emergency regulations" -- are among the toughest in the country and include the following measures:

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Seriously.

At the beginning of the month, Runnin' Scared mentioned that Nassau County police officers were getting a grant for the month of May to ramp up the amount of police officers on the lookout for drunk drivers. Looks like it came just in time for the holidays - what perfect timing.

"In Nassau County, 39 people were arrested on DWI charges between 7 p.m. and 8 a.m. the next day on Friday-Saturday and Saturday-Sunday. Suffolk County saw 21 arrested for "DWI and driving-while-ability-impaired charges between 4 p.m. Friday and 5:30 p.m. Saturday" (the numbers for Saturday-Sunday aren't available yet)."

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In New York City, 357 drivers were arrested in 2011 for being under the influence of drugs -- up from 81 ten years prior. That's more than a 300 percent increase.

That's why Sen. Chuck Schumer is making a funding push to crackdown on "drugged driving" through new on-site technologies that would identify drivers under the influence and through additional training for officers.

He made the call for stronger enforcement at a press conference yesterday with Nassau County District Attorney Kathleen Rice, where he argued that despite a growth in drugged driving arrests over the last decade, the number of arrests pale in comparison to drunk driving -- due to the challenges of identifying drivers on drugs on the road.

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This week has brought a wave of PR-department-approved good news to New York City residents. We have less crime! We are healthier! We might just live...forever! And...we're better at driving and/or walking, apparently. Mayor Bloomberg along with Police Commissioner Ray Kelly and Department of Transportation Commissioner Janette Sadik-Khan released stats today showing that New York has hit an all-time low in traffic fatalities -- the fewest since records started being kept in 1910. According to data for the year up to December 27, there were 237 traffic fatalities in 2011, 40 percent fewer than there were in 2001. This includes 134 pedestrian fatalities (involved in crashes with vehicles), 47 senior pedestrian fatalities, and 3 child pedestrian fatalities.

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EV Grieve reports (with photos) that someone allegedly "blew out the window" of a cab last night at Avenue A near 14th Street. Per the tipster, Matt LES_Miserable, police were on the scene and the driver was "very shaken up" and said a passenger had shot out his window. The hows and whys are unclear, though it seems quite evident this is not how to persuade someone to take you to Brooklyn.

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Terrible confession: We don't drive -- regularly, anyway -- and we never learned how to make this sort of parallel parking magic happen. But it looks pretty effing fancy. Look at the wheels shimmy! This happened in New York City, in Bushwick, recently.

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The above video appears to show a 4-year-old girl in China at the wheel of a car. She is navigating a relatively busy street while her parents can be heard instructing her. Like the smoking baby before her, there is sure to be much outrage about this child exhibiting the dangerous behavior of an adult. Before that outrage erupts, can we take this time to acknowledge that she does a pretty good job merging? [h/t @stevesilberman] [@nickgreene]

Saudi Arabian women took the wheel again today, answering the call of the much-publicized online "Women2Drive" campaign asking women to defiantly get in the car, drive, and post it on YouTube, please. Organizers and media had projected 100+ participants based on Facebook and Twitter pledges. No official word is out yet on the scope of the protest today, but as of 8 p.m. Riyadh time Twitter feeds (#women2drive) reported 30+ women driving, and at least 2 women were pulled over by police and released without arrest. Here's one of several YouTube videos posted today for the Women2Drive campaign:

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