Gov. Christie, You Don't Look "Startlingly" Healthy, But the Doughnut Gag Was Great

Ah! The old whip-the-doughnut-out-of-your-suit-jacket-pocket maneuver. Shrewd move Mr. Governor.

Play the fat joke on yourself before the comedian can play it on you.

In a brilliant preemptive strike, N.J Gov. Chris Christie addressed the 500-pound elephant in the room -- his weight -- by whipping out a doughnut during his appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman.

Knowing that Letterman is a big fan of cracking on the governor's weight, Christie beat him to the punch last night.

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California Gov. Jerry Brown Vs. Chris Christie In A Foot Race: Christie's Odds Now At 5,000/1

Categories: Fat Chance, Fatsos
Chris Christie's a bit of a fatso.
Regardless of whether you like him, agree with him politically, or hate his guts, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is a bit on the husky side. At a stunning 5-foot-11 and upwards of 285 pounds, Christie's bod resembles that of "Vito" from "The Sopranos" -- sans the appeal to burly bikers -- which is essentially what California Governor Jerry Brown pointed out over the weekend while challenging the outspoken Republican to a foot race.

Brown, who Christie bashed in his address at the Republican National Convention last week by basically calling him old, acknowledged his advanced years during a speech at the United Food and Commercial Workers Local 770 on Friday. He then threw in a little humble brag about how he's pretty much the fastest 74-year-old governor in America.

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Ray Kelly Thinks We'll Just Give Him Our Illegal Fireworks. Fat Chance, Pal -- Here's How To Not Get In Trouble

If you give Ray Kelly your fireworks, you're an idiot. We explain why below.

NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly, in an effort to prevent injuries (read: protect you from yourself) while New Yorkers are celebrating the upcoming Fourth of July holiday, wants you to just hand over any illegal fireworks you plan to blow off come Wednesday.

We've got news for Ray Kelly: if he wants our fireworks, he'll have to pry them from our cold, dead hands (assuming we haven't blown off our hands with illegal fireworks)!

Kelly, Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes, and several local lawmakers are sponsoring a "Fireworks Amnesty Day" at the NYPD's 62nd Precinct. According to the law-dogs, if you drop off explosives, "No questions will be asked. No charges will be filed. No names or identification required. All fireworks will be accepted." 

If you actually run down to the police station and hand over your fireworks out of fear of possible prosecution, you're a f**king schmuck -- and here's why...

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