Five Awful/Hilarious Books by Left Behind Creator Tim LaHaye

Since 2008, your Crap Archivist has brought you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Perhaps the most amusing and dispiriting of that crap has been Tim LaHaye's ridiculous guides to sex, family, and how to hate gay people. LaHaye, of course, is the apocalypse-profiteer whose Left Behind books and movies have inspired millions to fantasize about all the awesome adventures they're sure to have when God any-day-now decides to destroy Creation.

Here's the choicest of his lesser-known terribleness.

How to Be Happy Though Married
Publisher: Tyndale House of Wheaton, Illinois
Date: 1968

The Cover Promises: Hot hand-holding action! And 180,000 copies sold! And that marriage is a state generally incompatible with happiness!

Representative Quotes:

Page 63: "The difference between the reproductive system of the husband and wife should stand as a symbol of the beautiful difference in their emotional make-up."
Page 77: "Under such circumstances, she is often twenty-two or twenty-three by the time she is ready for children, and surprisingly enough, that is past the ideal childbearing age."

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Lena Dunham's Book Reading Included Little-Known Comedian Amy Schumer (And a Baby)

Categories: Books, Film and TV

Katie Toth
Antsy Lena Dunham fans, shut out of the fourth floor of Barnes & Noble, resign themselves to watching Dunham's event on a television screen nearby.
Better Than: Eating ice cream and pickles with Jemima Kirke

Lena Dunham's book Not That Kind of Girl (Random House, September 30) is full of homages to Helen Gurley Brown, the Cosmopolitan editor who drew ire from feminists and "smut police" alike for "having it all."

So maybe it's only fitting that the first stop of her book tour -- on Tuesday, at the Union Square Barnes & Noble -- was interrupted by an adorable five-month-old baby.

"This isn't for babies!" Dunham joked at one point during her reading, appearing a little flustered. "I love babies. But this is...sexual!"

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Eight Movies Coming Out This Weekend You Don't Know About but Should

Categories: Film and TV

Each week, new movies open in New York (and online) by the dozen.

The Voice reviews all of 'em. Here's some you might not have heard about that got our critics excited.

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Podcast: In The Equalizer, Denzel Kills, Summarizes Hemingway, Kills Again

Categories: Film and TV

Photo by Scott Garfield - © 2013 CTMG.
Denzel Washington in The Equalizer: "It's about a guy who is a knight in shining armor, except he lives in a world where knights don't exist anymore." He's talking about Don Quixote, but he's really talking ABOUT HIMSELF.
As Bob McCall in The Equalizer, Denzel Washington plays a regular joe who turns into an eye-gouging, brain-drilling nightmare for Boston's Russian mob. At first Washington "toodles about a Home Depot-like store, helping customers, decked out in New Balance shoes and jeans so last-century you'll be looking for pleats," writes the Village Voice's Alan Scherstuhl. That's before he turns DIY crime-fighter in Antoine Fuqua's latest crowd-pleaser. Scherstuhl, along with the Voice's Stephanie Zacharek and Amy Nicholson of LA Weekly, discuss that movie, along with kiddie-charmer The Boxtrolls, which will make you laugh, cower, and think of Hitler, naturally. The trio also dive into the Jimi Hendrix biopic starring Andre Benjamin, Jimi: All is By My Side, plus Amy gives us the highlights from Fantastic Fest. It's all on this week's episode of the Voice Film Club podcast.

Finally, a Movie with Liam Neeson That's as Good as Liam Neeson

Categories: Film and TV

Photo by Atsushi Nishijima - © 2014 - Universal Pictures
Neeson in A Walk Among the Tombstones.
Special guest Inkoo Kang, film critic at TheWrap and news editor at Indiewire's Women and Hollywood blog, joins Alan Scherstuhl of the Village Voice and Amy Nicholson of the LAWeekly to discuss a variety of topics on this very big podcast, including: The Maze Runner, what it's like interviewing director Steve McQueen, Amy's highlights from the Toronto Film Festival, Kevin Smith's Tusk, and Matthew Crawley, err, Dan Stevens's role in two movies out now -- A Walk Among the Tombstones and The Guest. Alan makes an anti-recommendation for Atlas Shrugged: Who is John Galt? and Inkoo heartily endorses season 2 of Masters of Sex on Showtime.

Phew! Listen to it all below, and don't forget to...

Five Films Opening This Week You Might Not Know About But Probably Should

Categories: Film and TV

Rival Pictures
Space Station '76
Each week new movies open in New York theaters by the dozen. The Voice reviews all of 'em. Here are some you might not have heard about that got our critics excited:

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Podcast: The Best Movies at the Venice Film Festival

Courtesy of Millennium Films
Al Pacino in Barry Levinson's The Humbling, which showed at the Venice Film Festival.
The Village Voice's Alan Scherstuhl and Stephanie Zacharek, just back from the Venice Film Festival, discuss the stand-out movies she saw on this week's episode, and the duo also makes room for Tim Sutton's Memphis, which showed last year at the festival and is now in theaters now.

Back in New York, Alan praises the warm Dolphin Tale 2 and The Drop. Finally, Village Voice art critic R.C. Baker joins to talk about an exhibit at New York's Museum of the Moving Image, which ties very closely the movies -- the Looney Tunes cartoons that used to play before Warners Brothers pictures. The works of animator Chuck Jones are on display at the museum through January 19, 2015.

See also: Stephanie Zacharek's reviews from the Venice Film Festival

Alt-Cabaret Provocateur Bridget Everett Is the Most Exciting Performer in New York City

All photos by C.S. Muncy for the Village Voice.
Everett describes her rapport with Joe's Pub audiences as "fucking 200 people, and we're going to have coffee in the morning!"
"Hit the track!" Bridget Everett growls as she lowers herself to the lip of the Joe's Pub stage, lifting the hem of her flowing silver gown to flash the sold-out crowd in time to the slinky r&b beat.

"Short one, long one, doesn't matter/Just suck on that bean, watch it get fatter/You've had a bad day, you're feeling like shit/You want to beat something up? Beat up this clit/Here's the combination to my lovely lady locker/She'll pop in your mouth like Orville Redenbacher."

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Venice Update: Ethan Hawke's Good Kill Is an Intimate War on Terror Drama

Photo by Lorey Sebastian
Ethan Hawke in Good Kill.
Today is my last day in Venice, which always makes me blue. Yesterday morning, on the way to my final screening, a tourist with an Eastern European accent I couldn't quite identify stopped me a block or so from the sad and shuttered Hotel des Bains and asked me if it was open. "I have seen it in the Visconti film," he said, referring to the 1971 adaptation of Death in Venice, "and was hoping to go inside." When I told him that the hotel had been closed for several years now, and that the proposed construction to turn this grand old building into luxury condominiums had stalled out, he looked as forlorn as the building itself does. "I had hoped they'd turned it into a museum," he said.

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Joan Rivers, Reviewed in 1967: 'I Don't Know How a Nervous Girl Can Be So Funny'

In February of 1967, Joan Rivers, then 33 years old, performed her stand-up act at the Downstairs at the Upstairs (37 West 56th Street). She killed. She had yet to hit the peak of her fame. She was also a bit of an anomaly: A WOMAN COMIC! Writing for this paper in the February 23, 1967, issue, Bill Manville contributed the below review of her set. Rivers died today at age 81 at Mount Sinai Hospital.

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