Strange bedfellows.

​And lo, one crappy service provider acquires another. AT&T announced today that it's buying T-Mobile USA for $39 billion from Deutsche Telekom. If the two companies fully merge, the deal will give AT&T another 46.5 million customers in America, pushing it way past Verizon and leaving Sprint as the awkward outsider. So T-Mobile will probably get the iPhone, Verizon's gotten the iPhone, and us Sprint customers will soldier on with our BlackBerries. More >>

​Along with speculation that Grand Central Terminal is getting its very own Apple Store comes the anonymous insider's account "Confessions of an Apple Store Employee" from Popular Mechanics. In all, it's not very scandalous, but if Apple is really going to occupy 16,000 square feet in our city's most iconic space, that means one thing: job creation. Is it worth it to work there? "Sometimes it's like working at McDonald's, with better pay," said the employee. "I've never been treated so badly in my life."

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​Those of you with iPhones out there in the world have a universe of various games, utilities, and information at your fingertips with the single swipe of a finger, as there's an iPhone app for everything. Even, apparently, to help us remember 9/11.

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​Have you ever wanted to play video games that Apple didn't sell on your iPhone?

Have you ever wanted to use apps that Apple didn't sell on your iPhone?

Have you ever wanted to switch carriers with your iPhone (because AT&T blows)?

Have you ever wanted to copy a copy-protected DVD?

Have you ever wanted to get that Dongle away from your iPhone?

Well, get this: Now, you can!

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A considered iPhone fix, not unreasonable.

​So, apparently, those new iPhones were released basically broken! Or with bad antennae that make you have to hold your phone a certain way, kind of like the way Apple only wants you to use only their applications on their phone. Now they want to control your hands! But their plot to do so didn't work, because Americans were pissed at the company's arrogance. And today, during a press conference, Steve Jobs announced his solution:

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​America is under attack. It's "a new strain of strident atheism" and it's deadly. To the rescue? iPhone applications, according to the New York Times. And if you're on the other side of the war, there's tools for you, too -- alternative applications "arming nonbelievers for battle." It's like the Crusades, but with Farmville and Words With Friends and FaceTime and bad reception. Why are these dueling press releases in our newspaper? Because it's hilarious.

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