Is Snooki the Bret Easton Ellis of guidos?

Her novel Gorilla Beach -- a Jersey Shore roman a clef, if you will -- will hit bookstore shelves May 15.

Hollywoodlife.com claimed this afternoon to have gotten an exclusive copy of the first chapter, "Like a Slutty Virgin."

Of course, we had guessed that the book would be filled with smushing and spray tans and muscleheads with tribal tats. We just didn't guess the, er, depth of Nicole Polizzi's realism -- or that some characters are from Brooklyn!

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Ah, New Jersey. The land where fake orange tans and affable, clueless Republicans come together to make magic. New Yorkers should consider themselves lucky to live so close to New Jersey, particularly right now.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie, one-time potential Republican presidential candidate, continues to think it prudent to make public comments on a variety of topics, despite consistently sticking his foot in his mouth at every turn. Suffice it to say, there's hardly anyone in the state of New Jersey who isn't mad at Christie right now.

Civil rights groups and are mad at him for making an asinine, historically inaccurate comment about the civil rights movement on the eve of Black History Month. Christie said that civil rights activists "would have been happy to have a referendum on civil rights rather than fighting and dying in the streets of the South."

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I don't know why you would want to watch this either.

As the fourth season of Jersey Shore creeps upon us like red tide, and we learn more about Bridge & Tunnel, a precursor MTV show that the Shore's guido-monsters ate, let us remember how hyperventilating poofball Snooki came to be.

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Chad Griffith

Bridge & Tunnel's star sisters: Brianna and Gabriella DeBartoli

In this week's Village Voice cover story, we introduce you to Gabriella and Brianna DeBartoli, the would-be Staten Island stars of Bridge & Tunnel, a 12-episode reality show that MTV spent millions shooting, but inexplicably shelved at the eleventh hour. After B&T survived three years in development, the only extant clip is the show's super-trailer, a deliberately sensational last-ditch attempt to distract executive attention away from the cuca-flashing phenomenon Jersey Shore. The video didn't rescue Bridge & Tunnel from broadcast oblivion, but it did present a far more entertaining version of young outer-borough living than, say, Lifetime's Brighton Beach version of Jersey Shore, Russian Dolls.

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A new poll has found that people either don't really care about the negative aspects of the Jersey Shore when evaluating the Garden State. Conducted by Fairleigh Dickinson University's PublicMind, the poll revealed that 43% of people who have seen the MTV show have a "favorable opinion" of Jersey, compared to 41% of those who haven't. That doesn't amount to a "statistical difference," but, 49% of people who had seen the show and were reminded of it gave Jersey a thumbs up. "It seems to me viewers are looking past The Situation to the shore scene itself," Director of the poll Peter Woolley said in a press release. Governor Chris Christie is still not having it. His press secretary told CBS, "Honestly, I don't think the poll refutes the point that Snooki and company do not represent real New Jerseyans, the Jersey Shore or New Jersey in any way." And the kicker: "Or that they are an embarrassment." Don't listen to him, Snooki -- people love you. [CBS]

Just when you thought Snooki couldn't get any more crazy comes this video of the drunk Jersey Shore character dancing with a potted plant. What will she think of next? [via TMZ]

In what will certainly be seen as terrible, horrible, no good, very bad news by the cast of the Jersey Shore, New York state legislators want to ban indoor tanning for under-18-year-olds. That would make New York state horribly pale. It would also make New York state the first in the nation to ban indoor tanning for youngsters, and probably ruin a LOT of proms, at least until people get used to not being orange. The American Cancer Society has named this ban one of the top priorities of this legislative session, and while we'd like to popularize pasty legs as much as anyone, we can't help wondering if there are bigger fish to, proverbially, fry. Also, you can always go outside, you guys (we hear it's good for you)! Or...to New Jersey. [WSJ]

• Arizona Governor Jan Brewer vetoed a bill that would require presidential candidates to prove they were U.S. citizens born in the U.S. before their names could appear on the state ballot. A candidate would have to show a copy of his or her birth certificate, or "a combination of baptismal or circumcision records, hospital birth files, postpartum medical records or other documents" if a birth certificate could not be produced. The bill was approved in the state House last week but won't become law unless Brewer's veto is overridden. Arizona State Rep. Carl See authored the bill, which he says is is not about Barack Obama but aimed at "maintaining the integrity of the Constitution." [CNN]

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Okay, we're going to present a couple facts that will probably anger you, but they need to be introduced in order to report this story. 1) Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi was asked to speak at Rutgers University. 2) Over 2,000 students attended the lecture. 3) She was paid $32,000 by the state-funded institution for her appearance. 4) That's $2,000 more than Rutgers will pay Nobel Laureate Toni Morrison to speak at graduation. Okay, now that those are out of the way, we can relay the news that, because of the Snooki controversy, Jersey State Senator Joe Kyrillos is trying to "sponsor legislation that will allow students to opt into or out of campus events requiring a fee," the Post reports.

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​Boy, are parents mad about Snooki's recent appearance at Rutgers. Both about the concept of it, and the cost (almost $10,000 more than they pay in yearly tuition). And everyone else is freaked out by the fact that Shnickers was paid $2,000 more than what Nobel Prize winner Toni Morrison is being given to speak at commencement. You know who remains totally nonplussed? Morrison herself. When you're the person who wrote Beloved and Sula, you've really got bigger things to worry about. More »