​23 year-old David Rivera insists his name is David Rivera. His birth certificate, however, lists his first name as "Male." This simple mix-up has snowballed into a massive problem that has turned Rivera's life into an Abbott and Costello routine. Rivera told the Post, "I'm trying to get a birth certificate to get an ID, but I can't get an ID without a [correct] birth certificate." Because of this of bureaucratic gem of circular logic, Rivera is unable to get a job or enroll in college.

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A considered iPhone fix, not unreasonable.

​So, apparently, those new iPhones were released basically broken! Or with bad antennae that make you have to hold your phone a certain way, kind of like the way Apple only wants you to use only their applications on their phone. Now they want to control your hands! But their plot to do so didn't work, because Americans were pissed at the company's arrogance. And today, during a press conference, Steve Jobs announced his solution:

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via the New York Times

​Imagine our excitement when we learned that our dear Wonder Woman of the awesome star-speckled short shorts and bullet-busting arm wristlet-thingies and sexy-yet-rugged bustier (plus, calf-high go-go/shit-kickers!) was to get a makeover. Because, she already looked pretty great, if a scratch retro. She could only look better, right? Especially with a haircut and blowout, maybe some bangs? Unfortunately, no.

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​Oh, National Enquirer. We knew exactly what to think of you (not much) until the day you broke the John Edwards love child story. (That was some good stuff!) And now, whenever you come out with the story of so-and-so's affair or drug addiction or secret baby lair, we wonder: Could you be telling the truth, again? It's something of the reverse of the boy who cried wolf with you.

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​Tony Hayward, BP's now infamous foot-in-mouth CEO, has apologized today for saying "I want my life back" on Sunday when, of course, people actually died in the oil rig explosion and countless others who weren't in charge of the company have had their lives upended by the spill (so far). His statement, via BP America's Facebook page:

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Hey, it happens. This time to the Golf Channel, whose reporter Win McMurry finally got to say something interesting.

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​18-year-old Jeffrey Verde was playing with his iPod when he drove into a house last night in East Islip, New York. Whoops-a-daisy. He was allegedly trying to change the song. The 80-year-old woman inside the home was taken to the hospital as a precaution, and Verde was hospitalized for treatment of minor injuries.

No charges have been filed at this time, except for a charge of wanting to rock. Sadly, police say they don't know what Verde was listening to or hoping to listen to.

In lieu of Jeffrey Verde's picks, here are 10 songs we could not be held responsible for crashing to while driving... presuming we knew how to drive.

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​NYC Transit just spent $10,000-plus on a bunch of high-tech work boots (plus vests, safety glasses, and flashlights) for IT workers who "typically spend their days messing around computer servers, not walking the tracks," reports amNewYork.

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​Why are suitcases full of money so fraught with trouble?

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Apparently a green sheep will talk for just $5.

What would you do for five bucks? More importantly, what would you pay someone else to do for five bucks? The e-commerce site Fiverr.com allows registered users to buy and sell services, or "gigs," that range from useful (graphic design, programming help, English grammar lessons) to err, less than useful (7 hours of vacuum cleaner sound effects, a homemade voodoo doll, "my eternal soul"). The one constant: they all cost five dollars.

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