Oprah Winfrey Rumored to Be Possible Host of Next Year's Oscars

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[Insert obligatory "And you get an Oscar! And you! And you!" joke.] Oprah Winfrey, ruler of Earth, is rumored to be a candidate to host next year's Academy Awards, although nothing is official at this stage in the game. Look, anything beats Franco and Hathaway. At the Oprah Oscars, winners won't just receive a statuette, but also a trip to Australia. Actually, everyone will get a trip to Austraaaaaaliaaaa, plus a new stove. Under your seats you'll find artisanal cupcakes. The Academy is downplaying the rumors, which means absolutely nothing.



Oprah's Last Episode: Like a Last Lecture That Isn't Final at All

Say what you will, but we think the last episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show made perfect sense. As R. Kelly says in the seminal classic "Ignition pt. 2": "After the show, it's the after-party, and after the party, it's the hotel lobby." Well, this episode was certainly the hotel lobby. It wasn't as fun as the show (the 4,561 days that Oprah filmed The Oprah Winfrey Show), or the after-party (the celebrity-stuffed two-day special shown this week). This episode was like that part of the evening in which nothing particularly interesting is going on but it's still part of a great night, so you enjoy it all the same. Oprah pontificated to her audience dressed in a plain belted pink dress and ran through an hour of advice, clips, memories, and "thank yous." While she frequently gave credit and salutations to her guests, she left out one.

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Robert Spearing Fakes Own Mugging to Cover Up Failure to Procure Oprah Tickets

You probably already know that the Oprah Show is in its final days. The first of the three-part finale has aired. There is much mystery about what will happen next -- even Oprah doesn't know! Thus, the stakes are high. So high that a Canadian man named Robert Spearing, 44, could not face telling his wife he couldn't get tickets and instead faked his own mugging in which the tickets, ostensibly, were stolen. Because everyone, especially die-hard criminals who would beat a man for his Oprah tickets, really want to see the final Oprah.

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Oprah Tickets Now Almost Viable Excuse for Getting Out of Jury Duty

The trial of the century might be the Rod Blagojevich trial. But the television program of the century is clearly the Oprah Winfrey show. As such, a potential juror being questioned on the second day of selection for the Blagojevich retrial explained that she had tickets -- and not just one, but four -- for the May 10 show. May is the final month of taping.

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Oprah Lets Us Read Her Diary! (We Share Our Own.)

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O, The Oprah Magazine, via USA Today
OMG. OMG. OMG. Oprah, yeah, that Oprah, is letting us glimpse into her very personal Oprah world to see what the budding Oprah, she who would be the Oprah that we all know and love, was about! She has shared five whole pages from her "hand-written" (how else would they be written?) extra personal secret-time special-lady journals, publishing them in the April issue of O, The Oprah Magazine. In them, she gives us some totally PG stuff about her first boyfriend --

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Oprah Reveals Secret Half-Sister, "Patricia II"

Oprah, Oprah, Oprah. Can you make us love you more? Just like us, Oprah struggles with desires and ambitions and delicious foodstuffs. Just like us, Oprah has power and charisma. And just like us, Oprah has longheld deeply buried family secrets! Unlike us, however, Oprah has a TV show, upon which she revealed a whopper today: She has a half-sister named Patricia who had long been kept a secret by Oprah's mother, who put her up for adoption at birth.

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Oprah's Best Australian Vacation Ever -- While You're Stuck in The Snow!

via Faces Of The Last Season of Oprah
This week on the final season of Oprah we were treated to her voyage to the land down under. And of course, she blew our freaking minds away. She said, "Everyone has Australia on their bucket lists but people are scared of coming here because the flight takes so long. I say, listen -- watch a couple movies, play some Scrabble and you're there!" Well, yeah...as Oprah said in her commencement speech at her 2009 commencement address at Duke University, "It's great to have a private jet. Anyone that tells you that having your own private jet isn't great is lying to you." Here's a list of cool things that Oprah did in Australia (that you didn't, loser!).

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Oprah, Amused by Panhandler's Bum Joke, Breaks Fourth Wall, Gives Him $100

Julio Bazan, lucky recipient of Oprah-dollars
Make Oprah laugh, and the world laughs with you. Or you get a hundred bucks, whichever's cheaper. Julio Bazan, a 49-year-old panhandler, was hanging out minding his own business in the Meatpacking on Sunday when he noticed the queen of daytime television, the mistress of the universe, Oprah mother-fucking Winfrey, just chilling in her limo in front of the Soho House, reports the New York Post.

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