5 Reasons to Get Excited About the Royal Wedding in Monaco

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Wikipedia
You can call him Al.
OMGEEZE ANOTHER ROYAL WEDDING. Okay, so this one isn't quite as engrossing as the Kate and Wills hoopla in April, but there are reasons to get excited about the upcoming nuptials of Prince Albert II and South African former Olympic swimmer Charlene Wittstock. There are two ceremonies, one civil today and another religious tomorrow. Double your pleasure, double your fun! Let's break this princely affair down.

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Armadillos Spreading Leprosy; Are Will and Kate Next?

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Researchers have discovered that Armadillos in the country's southern states carry the bacteria that cause leprosy. The Independent reports that "the nine-banded armadillo is one of the few indigenous mammals that harbour the bacteria that cause the often-disfiguring disease." This news breaking on the same day of the royal wedding has not gone unnoticed, and now a world that was enchanted by their nuptials just 12 hours ago fear for William and Kate's health and safety, lest they are besieged by a pack of leprotic armadillos.More »

The World Will Be Overrun by Cats Named After Prince William

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Today in important royal wedding-related news, William has become an extremely popular name for cats. In fact, reports CNN, the name "William" has experienced a tremendous upswing in popularity this year, to the extent that "if the trend continues there will be a nearly 70 percent increase the number of cats named after the royal in 2011." Of course, this has to be because of the royal wedding, because why else would anyone name a cat William instead of Maurice or Kenny or Todd? And how must Charles feel?

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Royal Wedding Forecast: RAIN!

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But your hair, your beautiful hair!
Bad, horrible, awful, terrible news: The Telegraph reports (in almost 600 words, no less) that heavy showers are forecasted for Friday's royal wedding ceremonies in London. Stay calm, everyone; if we can just have all the commoners climb on each others' shoulders and weave themselves into some sort of fleshy canopy, this could work.

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Who Is Most Likely To Embarrass Kate Middleton On Her Wedding Day?

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via Kate Middleton For The Win
Kate Middleton, lest we even begin to forget, is a commoner. Naturally, she has some embarrassing family members, as the British tabloids have been sure to uncover thoroughly. For example, there's Katrina Darling, a burlesque dancer and second cousin of Kate. Then there are her siblings, Pippa and James, who have a reputation for partying. And finally there's uncle Gary Goldsmith, who for years has been shaming the Middletons by basically being the Dude, except British and into coke and strippers (he was married to a former lap dancer). Goldsmith has a villa in Ibiza called Maison de Bang Bang, and his first words ever to Prince William were "Oi, you fucker!"

He sounds awesome.

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What Happens at Prince William's Bachelor Party Stays at Prince William's Bachelor Party

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While the House of Windsor knows full well how to make a media splash (just look at the Royal Wedding website) they are being curiously reticent about the matter of Prince William's bachelor party. All we know is that the party involved 22 of William's "closest friends," that they went to a friend's estate in Norfolk called Lodge Farm, and that the whole "low-key" shebang cost $4,000, reportedly. How reasonable.

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Virginia Roberts, Jeffrey Epstein's Underage Masseuse, Also 'Worked For' Prince Andrew

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Roberts, 17, with Prince Andrew
Virginia Roberts was an "erotic masseuse" used by Jeffrey Epstein, the recently released billionaire sex offender, who seduced her when she was just 15-years-old. For Epstein this isn't odd -- the FBI has a file of women like her -- but his trip home to New York from a Florida jail, where he served 18 months as part of a plea deal (confessing only two counts of soliciting prostitution) provides a fresh opportunity for Roberts and her fellow victims to step forward. In this case, she's also getting Prince Andrew, the Duke of York, in trouble.

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Eligible Bachelor Alert: Prince Harry Hits NYC

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Ladies, ladies, ladies. It's time to dig deep for that Chelsy Davy impersonation and maybe freshen up your roots, because a real, live prince is in town this weekend. And even though he's only third in line for the throne and has, to be fair, exhibited some behavior perhaps ill suiting the crown (or just kind of dumb: see "Nazi costume"), and is a ginger, he's still royalty. And he's the fun one. Mom would be so proud!


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Sarah, Duchess of York, Busted on Camera Selling Out Ex-Husband for $720K

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In the U.K. they do Punk'd with way higher stakes. Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, was caught on tape selling access to her ex-husband, Prince Andrew, Duke of York (and Queen Elizabeth II's son), for £500,000. The thing is, it was all a stunt by the British tabloid News of the World, which was filming the entire transaction. The royal couple, now divorced, are said to be friends, but those days may be over now that Duchess Fergie has been caught selling access to Andrew, an international trade envoy. "Look after me and he'll look after you," Fergie told the undercover reporter. "You'll get it back tenfold. I can open any door you want." Scandal!

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