Scientists Determine that People on eHarmony Want to Get Married

How do you date successfully? Some might say it's only when you stop dating, a/k/a, find someone and settle down, or whatever people do. Others might say that it's as simple as going on a good date, or learning something from the experience, even if it's bad. Free-living caddish types and those who adore them may pin it all on sex. Now science has decided to ponder this question with a focus on online dating, and we thank them, in part because their findings can help us justify our oft maligned behaviors. "According to Drexel researchers, marriage isn't the only measure of success among people looking for love in cyberspace." Oh no?

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Niceness Is Genetic, Says Science

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Are you one of those unlucky people dubbed "nice" by everyone? Worse, do you live in the South, and therefore people call you "sweet"? According to a new study by those super nice folks known as scientists, having two copies of the "G" gene in your DNA tends to mean that you are more empathetic, more trustworthy, more compassionate, and more cooperative. Plus, reports MSNBC, other people can detect your niceness based on looking at you for less than 20 seconds. Oh dear.

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Scientists Study Jill Abramson's Speech, Find it Unusual

Linguists have actually taken measures to study the famously unusual speech patterns of New York Times executive editor and noted dog-lover Jill Abramson. A video of Abramson talking, in case you're unaware:

You'll be shocked to know that scientists at Penn have found that Abramson's speech differs from other people's.

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Breaking: Teenagers Drink, Smoke Weed, Lie About It

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A new study has found that only 10 percent of parents believe that their teenagers drink, and only five percent think that their kids smoke weed. For comparison's sake, consider the fact that 52 percent of teenagers say they drink and 28 percent say they smoke weed.

In other words, science has found that teenagers lie to their parents. Revelatory enough in and of itself, but the New York Times ups the ante and asks real live teens about their drinking and drugging behavior in a blog post: "If You Drink or Use Drugs, Do Your Parents Know?"

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Women Who Get a Lot of Botox Are Being Judged by Society

In a delightful new study, it has been determined that women who get so much Botox that they can no longer make normal facial expressions or appear basically human may not be viewed so positively as women who "age naturally." The University of Toronto embarked on this study, which looked overall at the ways women attempt to battle aging -- by avoiding the sun, using moisturizers, getting injections, and having their faces "done." Ultimately, the less a woman tried to aggressively mess with her face and what it was inevitably going to be after years of living plus gravity, the more that woman was seen as someone people wanted to hang out with, and probably hug occasionally, given the right relationship.

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Teenagers Are Bad Because of the Internet

FYI: Teenagers who frequent social networking sites like Facebook and watch bawdy, scandalous, delightful television shows like Jersey Shore, Gossip Girl, Skins, and 16 and Pregnant are more likely to use drugs and alcohol than teens who don't have computers or cable TV and are locked in their rooms by their parents when they're not at school or in the basement practicing clarinet. Given that about 70 percent of the teens surveyed used social networking sites, and thereby were privy to their evils, the only answer to this is, obviously, kill Facebook.

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The People You Date Are the People You Can Date, Science Says

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Good news for people who date people! Generally, the people you want to date are people who might want to date you, people of the same "desirability" and/or "hotness"! Does this, perhaps, seem sort of untrue based on your recent dating history? Well, that must be because you are choosing people who don't want to date you -- people who are, for lack of a better phrase, "out of your league." That is unnatural, a bastardization of humanity, akin to a duck falling in love with a dog. A scientific study out of the University of California, Berkeley, has determined that, in online dating at least, couples were attracted to each other based on a similar level of attractiveness and social desirability. This is called the "matching hypothesis," or "how the world works, sometimes."

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Was William Shakespeare A Pothead?

Did Shakespeare get the inspiration for his plays and sonnets from smoking weed? A South African anthropologist named Francis Thackeray is seeking permission from the Church of England to exhume Shakespeare's body and analyze it, determining whether the Bard liked to chill with a fat joint every now and then. Science serves an important purpose in our society by answering these urgent questions.

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Slackers: Better at Life?

Here is your justification for being a slacker this chilly Friday. If you are a Type-A agro nerd, you're going to experience greater levels of stress and strain than the totally "whatever" Type C-/D+, according to a new study in the Journal of Applied Psychology, says the Wall Street Journal. And if you fail to face problems head-on, instead taking a nap or maybe just chilling on the couch and watching Law and Order reruns, you may "actually do better with life conflict, and seem to have more energy, says the study."

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Sex Is Killing Our Nation's Couch Potatoes

Beware: If you're an out-of-shape "older person" who gets neither very much sex nor very much exercise, you might die of a heart attack from doing either, according to a new study. This is not to say that you shouldn't exercise, says the study's author, Dr. Issa Dahabreh of Tufts. Au contraire, you should exercise more! If you don't die of that, you will probably survive sex, too. If not...sorry.

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