Snooki's Gorilla Beach Reportedly Hits Web; We Read The First Chapter (and Survive!)


Is Snooki the Bret Easton Ellis of guidos?

Her novel Gorilla Beach -- a Jersey Shore roman a clef, if you will -- will hit bookstore shelves May 15. claimed this afternoon to have gotten an exclusive copy of the first chapter, "Like a Slutty Virgin."

Of course, we had guessed that the book would be filled with smushing and spray tans and muscleheads with tribal tats. We just didn't guess the, er, depth of Nicole Polizzi's realism -- or that some characters are from Brooklyn!

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People Still Think New Jersey Is OK, Despite Jersey Shore

A new poll has found that people either don't really care about the negative aspects of the Jersey Shore when evaluating the Garden State. Conducted by Fairleigh Dickinson University's PublicMind, the poll revealed that 43% of people who have seen the MTV show have a "favorable opinion" of Jersey, compared to 41% of those who haven't. That doesn't amount to a "statistical difference," but, 49% of people who had seen the show and were reminded of it gave Jersey a thumbs up. "It seems to me viewers are looking past The Situation to the shore scene itself," Director of the poll Peter Woolley said in a press release. Governor Chris Christie is still not having it. His press secretary told CBS, "Honestly, I don't think the poll refutes the point that Snooki and company do not represent real New Jerseyans, the Jersey Shore or New Jersey in any way." And the kicker: "Or that they are an embarrassment." Don't listen to him, Snooki -- people love you. [CBS]

Snooki Loves Bush: Jersey Shore Star Still Going Strong

Just when you thought Snooki couldn't get any more crazy comes this video of the drunk Jersey Shore character dancing with a potted plant. What will she think of next? [via TMZ]

Tanning Ban for Minors Makes Headway in New York and New Jersey

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Insert Jersey Shore joke here. Soon, kids on the boardwalk may no longer be able to artificially bake in Jersey. The New Jersey Assembly Health Committee passed a proposal forbidding eager young "juiceheads" under the age of 18 from tanning via bed on Monday, and the full Jersey Assembly will now vote on the matter, which Jersey Senate is also considering. A tanning ban for minors also recently passed in the New York State Assembly. We assume Snooki is outraged. Maybe John McCain will come to the rescue. [ABC]

New York Wants to Take Away Youngsters' Red-Blooded American Right to Tan

In what will certainly be seen as terrible, horrible, no good, very bad news by the cast of the Jersey Shore, New York state legislators want to ban indoor tanning for under-18-year-olds. That would make New York state horribly pale. It would also make New York state the first in the nation to ban indoor tanning for youngsters, and probably ruin a LOT of proms, at least until people get used to not being orange. The American Cancer Society has named this ban one of the top priorities of this legislative session, and while we'd like to popularize pasty legs as much as anyone, we can't help wondering if there are bigger fish to, proverbially, fry. Also, you can always go outside, you guys (we hear it's good for you)! New Jersey. [WSJ]

Snooki Paid More Than Toni Morrison to Appear at Rutgers

Not a joke: New York Times bestselling author Snooki will be paid $32,000 by the Rutgers University Programming Association for appearing at two "student-produced comedy Q&A sessions" yesterday. This has generated great controversy, as that's $2,000 more than the amount Toni Morrison, who, you know, won a Pulitzer, will be paid to deliver the school's commencement address in May. Shocking!

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Snooki Adds Wrestling to Her List of Many Talents

Our tiny, tanned authoress really can do anything she sets her mind to, can't she? Here, Snooki has her own horribly overacted WWE moment, which, now that we think about it, is probably not all that different from being on the Jersey Shore.

Snooki will wrestle Vickie Guerrero live at the Georgia Dome in Atlanta on pay-per-view at WrestleMania XXVII on Sunday, April 3. Now, let us pretend this never happened.

Silvio Berlusconi to Stand Trial on Prostitution Charges; Mike Bloomberg Puts Ice in His Beer; Showdog Has "Snooki" Hairdo

• Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi will stand trial, before a panel of three woman judges, on charges that he paid for sex with a minor (named "Ruby Heart-Stealer") and tried to cover it up, not to mention using his position to get her released from police custody when she was being held for theft. Elsewhere in Italy, a million women "took to the streets Sunday" to rally for his resignation. Berlusconi denies any wrongdoing. His trial will start on April 6. [NPR, NYT]

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In Defense of My Beloved Snooki: The Best Valentine's Date Ever

Jersey Shore star Snooki has been voted by Yahoo users as the worst Valentine's date. The New York Daily News News reports that she "got 41 percent of votes in a poll of omg! Yahoo readers on the woman with whom they would least like to spend Valentine's Day." This is so wrong: Snooki would be an amazing date to have on Valentine's Day. There's actually no one that we'd rather be with on Valentine's than good old Snooks. Our favorite pickle lover needs to be with us on V-day for real and we're here to tell you why.

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Snooki's Love Pendant Video Is Sort of Amazing

In this video, which exists for the ostensible purpose of promoting Snooki's magical new love pendant, our tanned quintuple-plus threat and brand empress visits a psychiatrist, is hypnotized into love, and shares a pickle with a geek (played by Andy Milonakis). All this can be yours for $19, shipping included! What? We were a little bit hypnotized there ourselves, for a moment. Girl can act.