Five Awful/Hilarious Books by Left Behind Creator Tim LaHaye

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Since 2008, your Crap Archivist has brought you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Perhaps the most amusing and dispiriting of that crap has been Tim LaHaye's ridiculous guides to sex, family, and how to hate gay people. LaHaye, of course, is the apocalypse-profiteer whose Left Behind books and movies have inspired millions to fantasize about all the awesome adventures they're sure to have when God any-day-now decides to destroy Creation.

Here's the choicest of his lesser-known terribleness.

How to Be Happy Though Married
Publisher: Tyndale House of Wheaton, Illinois
Date: 1968

The Cover Promises: Hot hand-holding action! And 180,000 copies sold! And that marriage is a state generally incompatible with happiness!

Representative Quotes:

Page 63: "The difference between the reproductive system of the husband and wife should stand as a symbol of the beautiful difference in their emotional make-up."
Page 77: "Under such circumstances, she is often twenty-two or twenty-three by the time she is ready for children, and surprisingly enough, that is past the ideal childbearing age."

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Here's 100 Ways to Love Your Wife, From a 1988 Evangelical Book That Presumes You Can't Stand Her

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

If Only He Knew: A Valuable Guide to Knowing, Understanding, & Loving Your Wife

Author: Gary Smalley
Date: 1988
Publisher: Zondervan Publishing, Grand Rapids
Discovered at: East Village Thrift Shop, 186 Second Ave.

The Cover Promises: Rick Santorum and Markie Post cosplay!

Representative Quote:

"While a man needs little or no preparation for sex, a woman often needs hours of emotional and mental preparation." (page 16)

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Here's How to Raise 'Purfect' Kids, the 1987 Evangelical Parenting Guide That Reminds You Not to Stone Your Children

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Author: John & Karen Bohlen
Date: 1987
Publisher: Destiny Image Publishers, Shippensburg, PA
Discovered at: Salvation Army, Atlantic Avenue, Brooklyn

The Cover Promises: The authors believe you are a cat.

Representative Quotes:

"What two things are are you training the child to do when you discipline to the point of repentance? How many 'thwaks' with the switch are recommended before 'thwacking' again?" (page 126)
"Did you know that they had no juvenile deliquency in the Old Testament? God's command to the parents was that if their children insisted on staying rebellions, that the people should stone the children to death!!! Now please understand that we are definitely NOT! advocating this, but we mention to this for you to see what God thought (and thinks) of rebellion." (page 152 - 153)

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The '60s Sex Advice Book That Tells Ladies to "Relax and Enjoy" When He Won't Take Tears for a "No"

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

The Anatomy of a Love Affair: The Guide to Sex for the Girl Who Says "Yes!"

Author: Evelyn Bourne
Date: 1965
Publisher: Pyramid Books, New York
Discovered at: The Second Best Thrift Shop, Astoria, Queens

The Cover Promises: That you need a book to teach you how to do the thing that you already say "Yes" to.

Representative Quotes:

"You've got to constantly think of yourself as elegant, fragile, and sexy. Think that way long enough and often enough and you will be in no time at all. The key word here is 'fragile.'" (page 23)
"When you finally get him to the point of seducing you, don't act too comfortable about it. He might accept the fact that you've quenched your thirst once before, but it wouldn't do to have him think you've been to the well too often." (page 66)

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1946 Women's Home Companion Quiz Proves You're "Too Inhibited" to Fall in Love With

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Women's Home Companion magazine

Date:February, 1946
Publisher: Crowell-Collier
Discovered at: Just laying around at the old Voice offices.

Representative Quote:

"It is natural and right for a single girl to be more repressed than a marred woman." (From "How Inhibited Is Your Love?")
"I'm doing something I never thought I could or would do. I'm letting my wife support me." (From "I Let My Wife Support Me")

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Meet Captain Cornelius, the Terrible '90s Superhero Who Taught Kids About Corn

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Captain Cornelius, Issue 2

Author: None given
Date: 1995
Publisher: "Corn Power Comics," which is actually the Kansas Corn Growers Association
Discovered at: A donation from Chris Packham

The Cover Promises: "Join our hero in green as he works to save the planet from alien insect invaders!"

Also: That a freebie comic about a superheroic corn cob with a human face plus limb and muscle structures somehow got to two issues.

And also: That hot lasers shot right into his corn crotch don't set the kernels there to popping.

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Are Dungeons & Dragons Players in a Cult? These Hilarious Warning Signs From 1989 Prove It

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

The Devil's Web: Who Is Stalking Your Children for Satan?

Author: Pat Pulling (with Kathy Cawthon)
Date: 1989
Publisher: Huntington House
Discovered at: Goodwill, East 23rd Street

The Cover Promises: Satan is really into gray-washed jean jackets and Fruit Roll-Up candles.

Representative Quote:

"According to the woman who introduced me to the game, [D&D] is 'women's liberation with a vengeance. Not only does the D&D game allow women to stab people, it's accepted. You even get a bonus for striking from behind.'" (page 81)


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"Is He Marriage Minded?" This 1957 Real Romances Magazine's Guide to Picking a Mate

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Real Romances magazine

Date: 1957
Publisher: Real Romances, Inc., Dunellen, NJ
The Cover Promises: "I Was a Give-Away Girl"; "Is He Marriage Minded?: A Guide for Picking a Mate," and that canary terry-cloth hoodies will never go out of fashion.

Representative Quote:

"There are almost 11,000,000 men over the age of twenty who are available for marriage. Among them are thousands who would make ideal husbands for you." (page 13)


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Here's 15 Ridiculous Pages From the World's Worst Coloring Books, Including Superman Punching a Cat

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Outside of fanfic and self-published white-supremacist Kindle books, the easiest thing for a rank amateur to get published has to be coloring books, those poorly drawn, cheap-papered pamphlets that most parents quickly discover absorb baby fluids as well as paper towels. On occasion, your Crap Archivist gathers together the cheapest, chintziest, most ill-conceived coloring books he can find, and, hey, guess what? This is one of those occasions!

First up is a ringer: A not-terribly drawn 1966 Superman book from Whitman Press. Here's a page already colored -- and graded, presumably by some teacher. "Very, very good," someone has written, in a crabbed, teacher-looking cursive. Despite those twin "verys," the teacher has, bizarrely, judged this to be B+ work -- "89/100," he or she has declared, just beneath a scribbled out "90."

What could have cost this kid that key point separating A from B? How about the fact that Superman's skintight costume is here joined with Clark Kent's slacks into some bizarre onesie?

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Here's the Hideous Goat Creature Ringling Bros. Claimed Was a Unicorn in 1985

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

A stack of souvenir circus programs

Date: 1970s and '80s
Publisher: Mostly Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey
Discovered at: Vintage Thrift Shop, 286 Third Avenue

The Cover Promises: "The Living Unicorn" ... and also to teach children about disappointment.

Representative Quote:

Make a wish upon the unicorn. Believe with all your heart that impossible dreams can happen. Close your eyes and count to three .... you'll see your wish come true!


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