"Is He Marriage Minded?" This 1957 Real Romances Magazine's Guide to Picking a Mate

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Real Romances magazine

Date: 1957
Publisher: Real Romances, Inc., Dunellen, NJ
The Cover Promises: "I Was a Give-Away Girl"; "Is He Marriage Minded?: A Guide for Picking a Mate," and that canary terry-cloth hoodies will never go out of fashion.

Representative Quote:

"There are almost 11,000,000 men over the age of twenty who are available for marriage. Among them are thousands who would make ideal husbands for you." (page 13)


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Here's 15 Ridiculous Pages From the World's Worst Coloring Books, Including Superman Punching a Cat

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Outside of fanfic and self-published white-supremacist Kindle books, the easiest thing for a rank amateur to get published has to be coloring books, those poorly drawn, cheap-papered pamphlets that most parents quickly discover absorb baby fluids as well as paper towels. On occasion, your Crap Archivist gathers together the cheapest, chintziest, most ill-conceived coloring books he can find, and, hey, guess what? This is one of those occasions!

First up is a ringer: A not-terribly drawn 1966 Superman book from Whitman Press. Here's a page already colored -- and graded, presumably by some teacher. "Very, very good," someone has written, in a crabbed, teacher-looking cursive. Despite those twin "verys," the teacher has, bizarrely, judged this to be B+ work -- "89/100," he or she has declared, just beneath a scribbled out "90."

What could have cost this kid that key point separating A from B? How about the fact that Superman's skintight costume is here joined with Clark Kent's slacks into some bizarre onesie?

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Here's the Hideous Goat Creature Ringling Bros. Claimed Was a Unicorn in 1985

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

A stack of souvenir circus programs

Date: 1970s and '80s
Publisher: Mostly Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey
Discovered at: Vintage Thrift Shop, 286 Third Avenue

The Cover Promises: "The Living Unicorn" ... and also to teach children about disappointment.

Representative Quote:

Make a wish upon the unicorn. Believe with all your heart that impossible dreams can happen. Close your eyes and count to three .... you'll see your wish come true!


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The 1970s' Sexiest Couple Teaches You to Use "Body Talk" in Seduction, Job Interviews

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Body Talk: The Science of Kinesics

Author: Maude Poiret
Date: 1970
Publisher: Award Books
Discovered at: The Second Best Thrift Shop, Astoria, Queens

The Cover Asks: "Do you recognize the sex signals in this paragraph?"

The Cover Suggests: That being not quite able to wedge fruit into your mouth is a "sex signal."

Representative Quotes:

Do you stand with your buttocks pushed out prominently? Then you may have hostile sexual feelings. (page 126)

On the whole, people who win promotions seem to have erect posture with good muscle control. (page 112)


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1943's Your Life Magazine: Personality Quizes, Popularity Hints, & How to Get Married This June

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Your Life magazine

Date: January, 1943
Publisher: The Kingsway press, Concord, NH
Discovered at: Sunnyside Thrift, Queens

The Cover Promises: "The Popular Guide to Desirable Living." Also, "Overcoming Inferiority," "How to Get Out of that Rut," and all sorts of other buck-up messages fitting for a nation finally getting it together after a decade of depression.

Representative Quote:

Once she discovered what she wanted, the most significant thing Hazel did was to subordinate everything else to her single objective of getting married ...If you can't quickly list at least fifteen eligible men by name, follow Hazel's example. (From "How to Get Married Next June"
Every man needs to make an honest effort to be popular. (From "popularity Hints for Young Men")


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People and How to Deal With Them Magazine Was as Bizarre as it Is Forgotten

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

A stack of People and How to Deal With Them magazines

Date: 1948 - 1949
Publisher: The Stevens-Davis Co., Chicago

The Cover Promises: "Dealing with the KNOW-IT-ALL." And that people, generally speaking, are something you just have to deal with. And that personal space would not be invented until at least the first Eisenhower administration.

Representative Quotes:

Whenever you are dealing with friends, fellow workers, customers, supervisors, or managers, remember that 'wait-and-see' courtesy is a weak thing, but 'make-an-effort' courtesy packs a punch! )October 23, 1948, page 7)
American progress was founded on self-reliance. Too much reliance on government is the road to ruin. (February 26, 1949, page 5)

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Sexy Bear Taco, and 18 Other Ridiculous Photos of 90s Teddy Bears

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Old Teddy Bear Magazines

Date: The late eighties through the early nineties
Discovered at: Kansas City thrift store

Here's some thrilling ridiculousness from an earlier, simpler time before the creation of godawful teddies was outsourced to consumers in the form of those blasphemous Build-A-Bear Workshops-- "blasphemous" because, as the bible makes clear, only God can build a bear.

But, seriously, back then, rather than choosing between pre-fab bear parts for a cheap-ass toy to be assembled on-site like a Chipotle burrito, bear-makers dared to dream of bears more marvelous than anything nature has ever bothered to birth. Their work was honored in magazines like this one, which looks like poster for the teddy bear version of Witness:


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This Poorly Translated Japanese Cat Costume Website Is What the Internet Has Been Building To

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, flea markets, and--just this one time--old, forgotten websites.

"Anne of Green Gables has appeared in popular costume play series," announces the English version of the priceless cat dress-up web-site Pet Office Cat Prin, right next to this photo of a white tabby dressed up as TV's Rhoda.

The site continues: "The cat which became a hood figure is likely to have a broom at any moment, and is likely to begin cleaning."

So it goes at Cat Prin, the site that bills itself "The tailor of a cat" and sells a "frog transformation set" that is "made from bright green felt cloth, and the big eye of a frog is attached."

Regarding that frog, the Cat Prin copywriters add, helpfully, "Even if it takes, it is finished to the pop impression. Please observe the leg fin wound around a head. Since it can equip also with a hat and head volume on a piece of Velcro, attachment and detachment are easy!"


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How to Be a Man, According to Killinger!, the Ridiculous '70s Men's Adventure Novel

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Killinger!: The Turquoise/Yellow Case

Author: P.K. Palmer
Date: 1974
Publisher: Pinnacle Books

The Cover Promises: "He's ruggedly virile, he's karate-quick, he's ... Killinger!" And: "No. 1 in the new action series." And: Somebody someplace wants a whole series of Killinger books.

Representative Quotes:

"The stereo was playing softly what Killinger thought of as Music for Making Love." (page 182)
"Gently, Killinger put Coco Chanel on the bed next to her. Lollipop he placed on her back. Lollipop put his ears back and moved to her rump where he began to knead one buttock, his paws rhythmically pumping. Coco Chanel moved to Marjorie's head where she started to lick the lovely, full Afro hairdo." (page 85)


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"Virgins Make Good Role Models for Their Children": The Brilliant Raising Sexually Pure Kids

Categories: Studies in Crap

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Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets.

Raising Sexually Pure Kids

Author: Tim LaHaye
Date: 1998
Publisher: Multnomah Publishing,
Discovered at: Salvation Army, 112 4th Ave

The Cover Promises: "You can talk to kids of any age about sex." It's implied, I hope, that you only should do this with your own.

Representative Quotes:

"You do not want to implant hatred for homosexuals in the heart of your son, but you don't want him to make them his dearest friends either."(page 121)
"Until marriage, all girls should consider the area from her neck to her knees as 'no man's land.' Fondling of that area can heighten her emotions and, at certain times of her monthly cycle, make her so passionate she could lose control of her will. Only one man should ever have access to that area: Her husband." (page 165)

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