​Earlier this afternoon, Herman Cain delivered what was promised to be an important announcement about his presidential campaign. Short version: He quit. Long version: The glorious, unwavering, never-ceasing Plan B! (Not that Plan B). While Plan A involved becoming president, Plan B looks to be much more ambitious. It consists of two main parts: Endorsing someone else for president and launching a website that links to an old website. Oh, and there was a Pokemon reference in there too. Yep, it was that kind of speech.

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​For a while now, everyone on the Internet has been firing off increasingly unoriginal smug jokes about the poor souls who actually believe that Jesus is coming to pick them up today. And this is happening for a number of reasons -- first of all, crazy wingnut extremists are often fodder for humor. Also, people on the Internet have a tendency to repeat jokes till they're driven into the ground and actually become kind of malicious. But should we cut out the attitude and actually feel sorry for the disappointed people who will not be beamed up to heaven by Jesus today? This piece in The New Republic argues that we should.

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Everyone okay?

​Hey, where's Jesus at? Are the holy people going up to heaven right now, and if so, is it too late to get in on that? It's looking like...well, maybe it's too early to say, but it seems as though the world is not in fact ending right now. Maybe I'm jumping the gun and I'm about to get pwned with the other nonbelievers. Is anyone experiencing earthquakes right now? Have you seen holy people being raptured up into heaven? Any "plagues, quakes, wars, famine and general torment"?

If any of you are walking around today and see clutches of crazy people waiting in vain for Jesus, please, please send photos. We'll update if the apocalypse happens.

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​I know, I know. I should be out of here already. But since I'm already on this terrible, indulged roll, one more very, very important piece of business:

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​Well, here we are. The final Press Clips. COME ON, POOKIE! Let's burn this mothafucka down!

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​After a 285-day stint, I am abdicating my post here at The Village Voice. I'm going to work for Esquire.com, so I may -- as one commenter noted -- continue my work as a "a twentysomething angel of death." Yet, while I was here, I learned some very important things, and had some very memorable moments. I will never forget the following:

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