The Rapture Has Been Rescheduled for Friday

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If you'll recall, back in May, May 21 to be exact, and the days that preceded that fateful day (in which nothing actually happened, but that doesn't mean we didn't worry that it would!), some of us were getting a bit worked up about the so-called Rapture. But, of course, it didn't happen -- you're still here reading the Internet, right? -- and Harold Camping, the guy who'd said it would happen, declared it would, even, was somewhat embarrassed, and hid inside for a weekend, and then put on a polo shirt and walked outside into the still-happening world. But! Relax you not, sinners and non-sinners.

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Tila Tequila is Moving to New York; Brace Yourselves

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Tila Tequila, who is incredibly famous for no reason and who our intrepid Camille Dodero witnessed being attacked by Juggalos, is moving to our fair metropolis. She feels that LA is "played out" (true) and now she's "ready to conquer NYC." She told TMZ, "I'm looking forward to starting a new life in NYC. A clean slate and a fresh start. I just want to be a normal girl with a normal life for a while. I just want to meet new friends, fall in love, get married, have babies, and call it a day!" Smells like more fameballing. She'll be here next weekend, so we all have time to pack up our bags and flee before shit gets real.



Should We Feel Sorry For Rapture Believers?

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For a while now, everyone on the Internet has been firing off increasingly unoriginal smug jokes about the poor souls who actually believe that Jesus is coming to pick them up today. And this is happening for a number of reasons -- first of all, crazy wingnut extremists are often fodder for humor. Also, people on the Internet have a tendency to repeat jokes till they're driven into the ground and actually become kind of malicious. But should we cut out the attitude and actually feel sorry for the disappointed people who will not be beamed up to heaven by Jesus today? This piece in The New Republic argues that we should.

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The Rapture Didn't Happen...Yet

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Everyone okay?
Hey, where's Jesus at? Are the holy people going up to heaven right now, and if so, is it too late to get in on that? It's looking like...well, maybe it's too early to say, but it seems as though the world is not in fact ending right now. Maybe I'm jumping the gun and I'm about to get pwned with the other nonbelievers. Is anyone experiencing earthquakes right now? Have you seen holy people being raptured up into heaven? Any "plagues, quakes, wars, famine and general torment"?

If any of you are walking around today and see clutches of crazy people waiting in vain for Jesus, please, please send photos. We'll update if the apocalypse happens.

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Earth Will Be Crowded, Hungry, and Full of Human-Robot Porn in 2050

The United Nations is predicting that Earth may be "unrecognizable" in 2050 due to the rise of population and the increase in demand for food. The population is expected to jump from seven billion to nine billion by that year. Yahoo quotes Jason Clay of the World Wildlife Fund as saying, "We will need to produce as much food in the next 40 years as we have in the last 8,000." But won't we only be ingesting food by pill form by then? Through exhausting research, we've found that 2050 is going to be the worst Earth year ever.

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Creepy Victorian-Era 'Proto-Hobo' to be Dug Out of Ground

Nope, not scary at all.
This article asks, "Should the Leather Man, 19th-century proto-hobo of New York, be exhumed?" No, obviously not. Everything about that sounds bad. Why do we need a dead hobo to be dug up? What will we do with him? Not "we," per se, just in general.

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Walking Gorilla Heralds Imminent Human Obsolescence

We're through.

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French Children Grapple with Vintage Gadgets (Video)

Today in You're Old: young French children try to figure out what the hell a Game Boy is (also: floppy discs and video game cartridges). One kid thinks an 8-track is a bomb. This blogger is 21 and remembers Game Boys and floppy discs, at least.

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Today in Depressing Trends: People Getting Married in T.J. Maxx, Home Depot

Has society finally fallen into decadence, like the late Roman Empire? If this new "trend" is to be believed, then, yes, indeed it has. Instead of the traditional church/City Hall route, people are now getting married in our new temples: retail stores and shitty chain restaurants.

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In Times of Earthquakes, Watch Dog Videos

Yes, there are reports that a 5.5 magnitude earthquake hailing from Canada hit the new York area this afternoon, shaking buildings from upstate to the city and even New Jersey. No injuries or damages have been reported thus far. If you felt it, let us know. Or read these accounts from folks who tweeted about it, via True/Slant's Michael Roston. Otherwise, distract yourself from the sinking feeling that you're about to get another End Times Watch post with this video of a Staten Island dog named Toby who, admirably helps pull his owner's wheelchair. (He likes it, see? He's wagging his tail!)

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