​What is happening to everyone? This week, two prominent blog posts about regrets people have surfaced on the Internet. One, made up of all stripes of reader submissions at the New York Times CityRoom blog, the other, via The Hairpin, made up of women in their 30s' submissions at AOL's Lemondrop. They are easily Two of The Most Miserable Blog Posts Ever Written. To make everything better, we packaged that information into a handy guide to help you not regret your life.

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​Sometimes you just need a good wholesome llama story. Especially on a rainy, desperate Monday, when women are causing earthquakes with their boobs (see what happens when you laugh in the face of gods, ladies) and vandals are applying refried beans in the shape of swastikas to the Arizona Capitol building, and Mayor Bloomberg admits to putting salt on pizza the same day he announces 16 food companies are cutting salt in products including ketchup and bacon...

It can take its toll on a person.

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​That 46-story, 454-foot-tall bully with the face only a mother could love (I'm talking the Trump Soho, not the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man) is scheduled to open on April 9th "on Spring Street, where Soho meets Tribeca and the West Village." Posh!

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Walt Disney

​All of you bitchers-and-moaners harping about how the bad old days of New York are the only days of New York (don't get me wrong, I hate a Starbucks in the East Village as much as you do, but there's something to be said for not getting mugged on the way to Key Food) -- well, anyway, you can stop your bitching and moaning because it's over. It's done. There is now but one lonely homeless man living in Times Square. And he's not that lonely, with all the people around all the time harassing him, and the irritating tourists who don't know how to walk properly, and that naked cowboy being all up in his business.

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​The New York Times had the bright idea of following up with some 50-something job-seekers reporter Michael Winerip met at a job fair a year ago. Winerip finds they're doing terrible.

"Of the 16 I interviewed again, 9 describe themselves as still struggling," writes Winerip. "Eight continue to be unemployed or are working part-time jobs that pay near minimum wage."

A former tech supervisor who was "earning a six-figure salary" is tending bar 18 hours a week, which sounds like a five-figure salary at best. Also, his marriage broke up. A compliance officer is walking dogs.

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​Under the gaze of Moses, King Solomon, Hammurabi, and Abraham Lincoln (in a mural on the ceiling of the New York County Courthouse rotunda), the latest sad drama in the city's real estate bust played out this morning with minimal fanfare. Speaking slowly and deliberately, the auctioneer finished his work in a matter of minutes.

Today's victim: The Riverton, a complex of 12 buildings and 1,230 units on 135th Street in Harlem. Built as a black answer to Stuyvesant Town and Peter Cooper Village -- both of which excluded African Americans in their early years -- the Riverton was a point of pride for generations of Harlem residents.

About 75 people -- tenants, activists, potential buyers and attorneys -- crowded in a tight circle on the marble floor of the rotunda, and saw the Riverton sold for $125 million to a trustee for CW Capital Asset Management, a firm that works closely with Wells Fargo, the bank that holds the mortgage on the Riverton.

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​At first we didn't see the significance: The British Daily Mail reveals that for a science show called Bang Goes The Theory, a crew has developed a car that runs on coffee. They call it the Carpuccino. Wait, don't go. The punchline is, the car is totally impractical. It gets "three miles per kilo of ground coffee" and is between 25 and 50 times more expensive to run than a gasoline-powered car.

Why do we care? Because it might mean that the recession is over -- spiritually, at least.

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​Freelance public-relations professional Laura Goldberg had a shower party. No, she isn't getting married or having a baby -- at least, not that we know of. She just wanted her friends to experience her new 3'x5' shower, with "four wall sprays, adjustable massage settings, and overhead rainfall feature." She hired a "bathroom maitre d'" for the occasion.

Guest Kyle Mooney, a "former investment banker," was impressed, as he "got hosed" on his own shower renovation. "The tiles were three times more than I expected," he told Courier-Life.

Then a mob of angry citizens burst in and dragged everyone to the guillotine.

​The other day Republican Senator Jim Bunning waged a one-man war on, among other things, extension of unemployment benefits. Among the highlights: "Tough shit" and "[gives finger]." (And this was without being required to perform a real, talk-all-day filibuster, so you can't put it down to fatigue.)

Now Republican Senator Jon Kyl (pictured) argues that unemployment benefits are a "disincentive" to work. While admitting that the jobless "would like work and probably have tried to seek it," the Senator believes that "continuing to pay people unemployment compensation is a disincentive for them to seek new work."

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​Well, now you know it's a recession: Crain's New York reports that Cheetahs Gentlemen's Club & Restaurant has filed for Chapter 11. The place is known in the present for topless dancing and Japanese food of a higher quality than one expects at such places, and in the past for sushi served on naked women, aka nyotaimori -- one of those signals of our depraved previous prosperity that, alas, seems to have gone the way of the five-hour-plus parade and plentiful pro gaming jobs. Cheetahs' assets and liabilities are reportedly between $1 million and $10 million; revenue in 2008 was $2.5 million.