Oh. Hi.

​There are times in the great big blogoverse in which we are faced with the fact that certain things we have been doing are somewhat or hugely annoying. Upon that discovery, we generally continue to do those things, but with a nagging feeling of guilt and self-doubt that only continues to grow in intensity until we can't stand it any longer and throw up our hands and shout, "Make it stop!" And then, we blame everyone else, because they made us do it.

In a similar vein, and because it's Monday, here is a hand-crafted artisanal guide of commonly used words and phrases that we can take no longer, whether online or outside the confines of an internet connection. Mostly we hate them because they are overused, lazy, cliched, boring, deplorably cutesy, or could be better put another way. Other times we hate them because, well, frankly, haters gonna hate. Read on, after the jump.

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Your sunrises and sunsets, today through Tuesday.

​It's that time of year again, the time that we are plunged into terrible darkness by 4 in the afternoon and the hours wile on, interminable and chilly, like vampire hands. Or, whatever, it's the end of daylight savings! No biggie! And apparently, say some people in the sleep business, this "fall back" crap is actually good for you, even if you have to pull out your SAD lamp and sleep on it.

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​When J.K. Rowling announced her mysterious new website, Pottermore, last week, we, like so many millions of other Harry Potter fans, were giddy with excitement. Rumors of a new series set in the Harry Potter universe were flying around the internet faster than curses at a meeting of Dumbledore's Army, and we were gobbling them up like Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Beans. Our excitement at the prospect of reliving childhood with midnight book release parties and excessive homemade Halloween costumes was uncontrollable. Unfortunately, today, J.K. Rowling let us down harder than Cho Chang did Harry when she turned him down before the Yule Ball. She posted a video clarifying what Pottermore will be, and the site is less than thrilling.

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​Orange-coiffed humanoid Donald Trump is as committed to birtherism as he is to crappy local chain Pizza Famiglia. Despite Barack Obama's "longform" birth certificate, the release of which was meant to quell birther hysteria, Trump is sticking to his guns. He has to stay in the spotlight by any means possible otherwise he might explode.

Trump, who has since tried to stoke talk of his running as an independent, reprised his calls for Obama's birth certificate -- though the White House officially released a long-form copy of the document in April.

"I don't know exactly what he showed, but you know, some day somebody's gonna figure that one out," he said.

Someday.

[Politico]

[@_rosiegray]

​New York City is just not the place for the entirely-played-out-I-can't-believe-we're-still-talking-about-him Charlie Sheen. Last night his "Violent Torpedo of Truth" tour came through Radio City Music Hall, and by all accounts it was horrid. Andrea Peyser especially hated it: "Charlie Sheen stank up Radio City Music Hall last night like a flatulent goddess," was her quite lyrical way of saying it. More >>

​Let's end this brief, scintillating chapter in our lives. A cobra escaped from a zoo. The cobra got a fake Twitter account. We were all rapt, captivated by the cobra's fake daily life, wondering where the cobra might be. The cobra was found after nearly a week. The cobra was returned to its zoo-habitat. A newspaper and the zoo decided to name the cobra, which someone had done nearly a week ago on Twitter, but whatever. The newspaper and the zoo had a naming contest. There were semi-finals. And now, finally, the cobra has an official name. Write it down!

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​My over/under is two weeks:

9:20 -- People start booing Sheen. Not playing around, but actually booing him. Sheen yells, "I already got your money, dude!"

9:23 -- We are watching video of Charlie Sheen playing Call of Duty.

Thank you Detroit, for booing him and walking out. Let's stop the madness! If anyone out there was thinking about buying a ticket to one of these "performances," read these reactions from people who experienced it.

[@_rosiegray]

​Dear April Fool's Day,

Listen. We hate to be the ones to say this...well, actually, we're perfectly happy to be the ones to say this, because we've been thinking it all damn day. You suck. For people who work on the Internet, you suck especially. But also, you suck for everyone. In the dark days at the end of time, when we're down to our last soy candle and recounting our favorite moments of human existence, no one will say, "Geez, you know what I'll really miss? April Fool's Day."

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"L" is for WHAT THE FUCK?

​Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. Not a joke. (ETC.)

Via NBC New York, "the National Weather Service issued a winter storm watch for Passaic, Union, Bergen and Essex counties in New Jersey from late Thursday night until 8 p.m. Friday. The watch also applies to southwest Connecticut and New York's lower Hudson Valley."

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​A Connecticut shopper has lost her legal battle with Rite Aid over 12 cents. Her attorney said that the fight was about "much more than getting back change," thank God, because that would have been sad. "It was a fight on behalf of everyone in Connecticut who is overtaxed and does not have the time or necessary documentation to fight to be reimbursed."

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