Kill The Geese, Now! (Or People Might Get Killed by Them)

Avians and airplanes are a bad mix -- and the skies above New York City are no exception.

On Tuesday, a bird strike prompted a JetBlue plane to make an emergency landing.

Last week, also, a bird strike forced a Delta flight to make an emergency landing.

And don't forget the Miracle on the Hudson in 2009, when Capt. Chesley Sullenberger heroically landed a U.S. Airways flight on the river after a Canada geese flock hit the aircraft, CBS News reports.

Now, there seems to be a simple solution to this problem.

U.S. Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand proposed a bill that would make "it easier to round up geese from a federal refuge near Kennedy Airport and kill them."

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Black Friday Shopper Uses Butt Crack Instead of Pepper Spray To Secure $2 Waffle Makers

Is that a tramp stamp too?

By now, you have certainly heard about the lovely Los Angeles woman who pepper-sprayed her fellow shoppers on Black Friday, over discounted Xboxes. Or the hot deals on cheap yoga pants that inspired a punching match at Victoria's Secret in Pennsylvania. Or the Arizona grandfather who was bodyslammed and bloodied, after his grandson got trampled. Or maybe you just heard about all the rest of the father-tasering, food-court gunplay, and consumer nonsense that took place on November 25! But did you hear the one about the Wal-Mart waffle mini-riot?

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Roving Armadillos Are Heading for the East Coast

This just in to add to your terrifying end-times-esque tales of animal takeover (see also: Crabs in Antarctica! Mountain lions in Connecticut! Ladybugs on Long Island!). Thanks to climate change, so say the scientists, the ole armadillo, 'dillo for short, is moving on from his Texas home, where he arrived in the 1880s, to seek out more scintillating eastern territories (he has already appeared in southern Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, and Missouri). Next stop: Washington, D.C., Maryland, and Virginia, and possibly even New Jersey. Can New York City be far off, then?

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Rat Bites Woman as She Waits for J Train

Brace yourself, fellow commuters, as this is horrible news. Now, to add to our various rational or irrational New York City fears, we have the fear of wearing open-toed shoes while sitting on a bench on a subway platform, because a rat might be hiding underneath it and notice us there and pop out and bite us on the foot. Seriously.

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Rats May Fill the Streets, But the Animals at the Zoo Will Be O.K. in a Hurricane

You know we are suckers for adorable animals in trouble, and, as such, we could not help thinking about the adorable animals at the zoo as we were wondering whether or not we actually have to make a go-bag, and, for that matter, where would we go? The good news: The animals at the zoo, including the brand new cavy (what's a cavy? Find out here) will be O.K.! The zoo people are on it! Jim Breheny, WCS Senior Vice President of Living Institutions and Director of the Bronx Zoo, said in a statement, "The Wildlife Conservation Society has been preparing this week for Hurricane Irene. WCS operates the Bronx Zoo, Central Park Zoo, Prospect Park Zoo, Queens Zoo, and the New York Aquarium. We are working to secure all of our parks and are taking appropriate steps to ensure the safety of our animals, staff and guests. Our inventories are fully stocked, and we have sufficient supplies to last through the anticipated storm. We will update the media and the public about potential closures of the zoos and aquarium."

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Sister Mary Therese Encourages Rodent-Human Relations in NYC

Apparently, August is the month of the rat. Last week, Rosie Gray explored rat bites, which, it appears, are down this year, and on Monday, Jen Doll shared a new fan trailer for the rats of Tompkins Square Park. Last year, we established that rats are indeed New Yorkers' least favorite pests. Well, at least most New Yorkers. There are, in fact, those among us who actually advocate for rats. For example, the self-proclaimed "Advocate for Rodent Rights" Sister Mary Therese, also known as the Tompkins Square Park Rat Lady. A profile of her, um, nontraditional relationship with the rattus norvegicus (thank Google) after the jump.

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How Much Should You Worry About Death By Vampire Bat Bite?

Baby vampire bats: Slightly less worrisome?
The U.S. has experienced its very first death by vampire bat bite. But far from being a moment to celebrate, this is a moment to worry about. (R.I.P., man in Louisiana who died of a vampire bat bite that gave him rabies -- that sounds terrible.) So, what does this mean for the rest of us? As The Week asks, is this "a growing trend?" How much should you worry about this happening to you? Let us investigate, unscientifically.

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Vicious Chihuahua Is Vewy Scary to Robbers

Because it is adorable (and terrifying!), here is video of a very small dog chasing off two big bad robbers from a smoke shop in Altadena, California. The men got money, but not as much as they might have! The last few seconds of video are priceless. Neither the store owner nor the dog were injured; cops are looking for the dudes scared of the dog. Lesson: Never fuck with a smoke-shop Chihuahua. (More about Paco, via GMA, here.)
[The Awl]

East River Monster Is a Seven-Foot Sturgeon

Screen shot 2011-05-23 at 11.25.32 AM.png
It's that time of the year, when something gross washes up in the polluted waters of New York City and no one really knows what to call it, so we collectively dub it a "monster." This time, it's actually an Atlantic sturgeon, measuring "six- to seven-feet long and about two feet wide," as reported by NY1, which was found on the Manhattan side of the Brooklyn Bridge over the weekend. "People who gathered around the sturgeon near Pier 17 did not know what to make of it," apparently. It looks prehistoric, but also disgusting. And it was "super, super heavy," which makes us think...alien.

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Rat King Kisses Pet Rat Again, Still Gross

The guy who put a rat in his mouth on the subway is back! A Redditor's mom spotted him in Times Square working the freak-show circuit and spoke with him for a little bit. Apparently the "rat king" has been raising Draco, Henry, and Lucky from their birth. He even calls them his "babies." According to the video's description, "They are colored with food dye and have all of their necessary shots!" The pink one's our favorite.