Mnemonic Devices to Help You Remember That It's 2012

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Once upon a time, people expressed concern come the New Year that they would forget to write the correct date on their checks. Because the only people who still use checks are con artists, there is one less thing to worry about as we ring in 2012. Still, it may be difficult to remember what year it is, and forgetting this information could be humiliating. That's why we've thought of a couple mnemonic devices to help you remember that, for the next 366 days, it will be 2012.

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A List of Easily Achievable New Year's Resolutions

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After midnight tonight, as you are finishing your seventh screwdriver and fishing your phone out of the toilet, you are expected to make a promise to yourself, a resolution. These often turn out to be hollow gestures; the unused gym membership, the Rosetta Stone disc gathering dust on your desk, the AA sponsor's corpse underneath your floorboards.

It doesn't have to be like this.

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This Football Sunday, Please Don't Videotape Your Child Crying

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Sundays in America are the best Sundays in the world--that's why God gave U.S. citizens the day off when he wrote us the Bible. There's nothing better for a family to do today than get together on the couch, microwave up some cheese dip, and watch eleven hours of football. These are great times to teach your children all about sportsmanship and how to appreciate blunt-force head trauma, but there is something we ask you to refrain from doing. Please, parents of America, don't videotape your child crying when his or her favorite team loses.

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Mnemonic Devices to Help You Remember Daylight Savings is Ending

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As we exclusively reported yesterday, daylight savings is ending late tonight (technically tomorrow morning) at 2 a.m.. On the plus side, you will get one more hour of sleep. Unfortunately, this will be at the expense of a full season's worth of sunlight, vitamin D, and your sanity. Nonetheless, if you don't set your clocks back an hour, ACORN will come after you and send you to one of President Obama's dreaded Time Education Camps. How to remember this vital information?

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Weather-Appropriate Halloween Costume Ideas

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As the woman in the Pac-Man costume can attest, hypothermia causes paradoxical undressing.
Bad news, attention-starved women and vain men: That skimpy costume you've been planning for your big Halloween bash tonight isn't going to work in this weather. "Slutty Henry Kissinger" might have been a good idea in early September, but now that a Class 3 Kill-Storm is pounding the Eastern Seaboard, you're going to have to improvise. Remember, there's nothing sexy about hypothermia.

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Windows 8: A Guide

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Last week, journalists and software designers were treated to a preview of Microsoft's latest operating system: Windows 8. The preview was held at Microsoft's Build conference in Anaheim, and those in attendance report a wildly different Windows. CNN calls it "radical" and CNET says it will be "tough to beat." It probably won't be released until 2012, so details and specifics are still vague. Despite our limited knowledge, we'll tell you what we know and what we assume Windows 8 will be all about.

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Football's First Sunday: A Guide

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If you are reading this, you are not watching football. You may have it on, but you aren't watching it, letting the pigskinny goodness seep into your every pore. From today until the Super Bowl, your Sundays are reserved for America's favorite bloodsport. No more late brunches, no more flea markets, and certainly no more Sunday afternoon strolls through the aisles of Whole Foods looking for gluten-free couscous. Park your ass in front of that plasma and don't get up until your soul atrophies: This is a guide to watching football on Sundays.

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71 Things to Do While You Wait for Breaking Dawn to Finally Be Out in Theaters

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Unless you are a fan of the Twilight saga (and if you're not, what is WRONG with you?), you may not be aware that Breaking Dawn, the finale of the series, in which Bella and Edward actually make a vampire-human baby, will be out in theaters on November 18. This is only part one of the finale, because it was so exciting and sexy that they had to split it in two, much like the vampire and human portions of Baby Cullen-Swan -- otherwise we all would simply expire from the thrill of watching it. Also, we would have to get up at least once to pee because it would be a very long movie, and then we would miss something important, and we hate that. In any case, by serving two separate portions of the film, one now and one later, there is delayed gratification. This is good for everyone, not least, the movie makers, and also is sort of fitting for an entire series about waiting until you are married to have sex with a vampire. (Subtext!)

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What to do With Your Hurricane Rations

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Assuming you heeded Mayor Bloomberg's every word in regard to Hurricane Irene, you are probably sitting on top of 35 cases of Poland Spring water in a city-run shelter right now, pouring gasoline into a generator in order to power your computer. But being overly prepared isn't a bad thing! That's how wars are won, tests are aced, and procreation is avoided. Assuming you aren't going to store all your hoarded supplies for the next mass weather scare, we have some ideas on what to do with it.

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Subway Service Has Been Terminated, Now What?

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Well, you blew it. You knew the MTA was suspending service but you had to finish that one last game of Madden before you abandoned your Zone A apartment. Now you can't take the F Train to your buddy's place in Flatiron to drink beers and sit away from windows. Don't say, "I'll just take the bus for the first time ever." Those are shut down too, pal. Apart from waiting out the storm (which the city has told you not to do), your options are limited.

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