​Could you be Mike Bloomberg's next speechwriter? A source forwarded an email from head City Hall speechwriter Francis Barry to Capital New York's Azi Paybarah. There's an opening for you budding Ted Sorensens out there! Barry even notes that City Hall is "casting a wide net," so apply away:

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​In a humbling morning for our country today, President Obama spoke to the press about the dismal June unemployment numbers -- we're now at 9.2% unemployment, with a mere 18,000 jobs added last month -- while Americans stood by to watch the bittersweet launch of the Atlantis, marking the last breaths of the space shuttle program. For those of you chose to watch livestream of astronauts soaring into space over the falling economy, a quick recap, after the jump:

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​Alert: Babies are contagious, especially if you work with people who have babies. And we don't mean germy, although that's definitely true. Hey, at least you can take Theraflu for that. But if you "catch a baby" (and that's not what we mean) from a coworker, you're going to be stuck with that thing for a good 20 or more years! Take proper cautions. We recommend Purell.

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Turns out we don't have to content ourselves with the Taiwanese animator's version of Steven Slater's slide to victory. The actual security camera footage is here! And it's kind of boring. We expected theme music and fireworks. Watch:

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​Well, this is awkward. Back in June, the MTA introduced the NYC Transit Delay Verification System, an Internet memo of sorts into which you enter in your subway information and time; the program will confirm whether you were legitimately late, or just faking it because you overslept after a night of debauchery.

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via Capital

​Surely you've heard by now of 38-year-old Steven Slater, the JetBlue flight attendant who went on an alleged rant/flip-out/beer-grabbing emergency evacuation slide out of a plane at JFK yesterday. He's all over the papers today. Planely, we are all nuts.

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​In your unhappy Friday news, the U.S. Labor Department has reported more job losses than expected and a steady unemployment rate of 9.5% for July. This has to do to some extent with 143,000 temporary census workers being let go, with only 71,000 private-sector jobs being added.

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Oooh, stressful!

​We're such a country of hard workers and upwardly mobile, always-on-the-go sorts that it seems we can't even relax when we're on vacation. According to the Wall Street Journal, a recent Expedia.com survey revealed that only 53% of those of us who work come back feeling rejuvenated after vacation, and 30% keep thinking about work the whole time we're away.

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​Tits and ass, tits and ass. Is it really just hard to accept others as they are? Apparently not, as we learned from the millions of dirty old men readers sympathetic to the cause of Debrahlee Lorenzana, The Sexy Banker Who Couldn't. Lorenzana says she was fired from her job at CitiBank because her bosses thought she was too capital-S Sexy to handle your deposit. And to prove to you how not-distracting Lorenzana is, we showed you pictures of her being not-distracting. That said, come on, now. Everyone needs get a grip on themselves this situation: Lorenzana's hardly been the first one to lose work over beauty discrimination. Here are ten others who have suffered her plight as well:

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Thomas Guerriero

A sex-crazed CEO of a Wall Street investment firm turned an aspiring stockbroker's dream job into a "raunchy, intimidating, and sexualized" workplace that literally made her sick, according to a lawsuit filed in State Supreme Court this morning.

"I wanna make u cumm like u never had is that a bad thing I know ul love it," Thomas Guerriero, CEO and president of Guerriero Wealth Holdings Inc., texted Karen Lo, 20, this past February 2, Lo's sex-discrimination suit claims.

When she tried to fend off his messages by saying she had a boyfriend and wanted to keep her relationship with Guerriero professional, the suit says, Guerriero subsequently texted her: "His lil dick please don't make me touch myself thinking bou u lol at least feel me close."

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