Fifth-Grader to Teacher: "Oh, Sorry. I Was Busy Hangin' Out With the President."

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This beats "My dog ate my homework" by a long shot.
11-year-old Tyler Sullivan wanted to see President Obama speak in Honeywell, Minnesota, and he didn't really care if anything stopped him. Especially school.

After sitting front row and shaking the commander-in-chief's hand, Sullivan needed something to show to his teacher that he was absent with good reason. So what better way to justify hooky than an excused letter from Obama himself? It's like an executive order from the world of Ferris Bueller.

The letter reads, "Mr. Ackerman - Please excuse Tyler... he was with me!" The Presidential signature is below it with the White House insignia as a hefty reminder that the executive does have privileges.

We're assuming that the teacher was speechless. And that the kid is now the most popular 11-year-old in his entire school district.

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11 Things You Really Must Do Before the Summer Is Over

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Today is pretty much perfect, a day that reminds us how much we adore summer. Back in June we gave you 33 reasons to love the year's three hottest months, through all the sweat and toil and pain. It seems like barely a minute has passed and yet, here we are, practically mid-August! What the fuck happened? Now is the time to take stock, people. Have you done everything you wanted to this summer? Have you done anything you wanted to this sommer? Whether you've got it covered quite nicely or you're feeling like you need a do-over, we have some suggestions. Here are 11 things you really should accomplish before it's October and we're wearing sweaters (sweaters?) and getting out of work in the dark again.

THE TIME IS NOW.

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Vicious Chihuahua Is Vewy Scary to Robbers

Because it is adorable (and terrifying!), here is video of a very small dog chasing off two big bad robbers from a smoke shop in Altadena, California. The men got money, but not as much as they might have! The last few seconds of video are priceless. Neither the store owner nor the dog were injured; cops are looking for the dudes scared of the dog. Lesson: Never fuck with a smoke-shop Chihuahua. (More about Paco, via GMA, here.)
[The Awl]

Wet, Naked Man Could Have Caused a Lot of Problems at JFK If He Knew How

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In a far too short story, the New York Post informs us of a "dripping-wet, naked man" eventually identified as Greg Rodriguez, 30, who managed to get over an 8-foot-high barbed wire fence at JFK Airport yesterday morning. This put him very, very close to a storage facility housing quite a lot of jet fuel, which would have been worrisome had he actually been up to no good and brilliant and evil instead of just sort of nuts, or in the wrong place at the wrong (naked) time, apparently. While one Port Authority spokeswoman said that Rodriguez was never a threat, another official asked, "If this guy was a former Navy SEAL or someone with special-ops training from another country, do you have any idea the amount of havoc and fear he could have caused?" Rodriguez has been charged with trespassing. At least he wasn't hiding a stun gun. [NYP]

Nick Pinto is the Voice's Newest Staff Writer

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If you read this piece, then you are already familiar with Nick's work.
Runnin' Scared is happy to introduce Nick Pinto, the Voice's newest staff writer. You may have already seen him in our pages with his recent cover story on the Schapiro Group's questionable data that led to the removal of Craigslist's adult classifieds. Nick comes to us from CityPages, our sister paper in Minneapolis, and he says he'll continue to "debunk junk science and expose charlatans" under our banner. Originally from Jersey, Nick's return to the Tri-State Area is both a boon for us and the Twin Cities' charlatan population. Welcome, Nick!

Francesca Stabile Named Village Voice Web Editor

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Photo by Nate "Igor" Smith
Runnin' Scared is happy to announce that Francesca Stabile has been named the Village Voice's web editor, filling the formidable and stylish shoes of Zach Baron and, previously, Camille Dodero. Francesca (if you're lucky she'll let you call her Frannie) has been the Voice's social media coordinator since December 2009, and has likely entertained you at one point or another as the voice of @VoiceStreet. Catch her starting today on the @VillageVoice Twitter, and all around VillageVoice.com.

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Mike Bloomberg to Clean Up All That Horse Poo, Maybe

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You ask, and you shall receive. After the New York Post's very important exclusive on all that yucky horse excrement detracting from the drunken revelry of the Lower East Side, Mayor Bloomberg has heard the people's cry, and said what he always says when the people cry: "It is one of these things of just resources, and we'll take a look at it and see if there is some way to do it."


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There's White Stuff on the Ground! Related: Wear a Coat.

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via isardasorensen/twitpic
It's happened a couple times before, but this time it stuck -- there's a layer of snow over cars, Central Park, our backyards that are only so because our windows happen to look at them...While some of you may legitimately dislike snow, we feel that it's nice and cozy and holiday-like, until it turns black and creates those awful giant toxic puddles around our sidewalks right where we want to cross. But we'll stay positive for now. Scattered flurries predicted today and tomorrow, and it's COLD: lows in the low 20s, and windy. We'll go back up to the 30s toward mid-week. [JDoll]

8th and Broadway, Right Now: Gary Busey, Lil' Jon, and Jose Canseco, Serving Pizza

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Via Kelly Reeves.
GARY BUSEY'S HEAD!
One can only imagine how Donald Trump's "Negative Contributions to Society" list compares to his "Positive Contributions to Society" list, but mark one down for the former. Evidence?

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