Clockwise from top left:

The L Word: Season premiere. Shane snorts up a tub of coke in celebration.

The Apprentice LA: Season premiere. The losers have to live in a tent in the backyard of the winners' mansion. Reaching new levels of obnoxiousness, the website refers to the teams as "The Haves" and "The Have-Nots."

I Love New York: New York let most of her suitors pick their own names, with a few exceptions.

Gay, Straight or Taken?: The show that trumps stereotypes! Speedo Boy here was the straight red herring.

Clockwise from top left:

Really Big Things: The new Discovery Channel show about . . . you guessed it. For kids who preferred Duplos over Legos.

The Sopranos: Debuts on A&E with a little "editing." If you squint, that dark shadow in the back is tits.

Bush Addresses the Nation: Send more troops, with an apology in there somewhere. The "Author of Liberty" was a nice touch.

Armed and Famous: "I think the scariest thing I have ever seen is La Toya loading a Glock 40 six feet away from me."—Jack Osbourne

Clockwise from top left:

The Dirt: Courtney Cox's new show debuts about a Bonnie Fuller-type tabloid editrix. I give it less time than Joey.

The Dirt: Cox tasers her lover's ball sack after suspecting he's using her. I wish I could do that.

The Knights of Prosperity: One of ABC's two new comedies, back to back with In Case of Emergency. The Knights set out to rob Mick Jagger, who from the looks of this photo has suffered enough.

The Knights of Prosperity: Mick Jagger's statue of Rolling Stone lips spew butter for your popcorn. I want this.

Clockwise from top left:

Beauty and the Geek: The premiere episode of the new season, and the beauties are already in bed with Bill Gates premies.

Beauty and the Geek: The beauties have to interview a co-writer of Freakanomics, who looked slighly amused but mostly horny.

The O.C.: The show's gettiing pulled finally, with the last episode Feb. 22. Ryan meets his actual father this week, who's like hot Ric Ocasek.

Megan Mullally Show: Had the honor of being the first show pulled off the air in 2007.

Clockwise:

The Simpsons: Bart catches his parents "doin' it," can't eat Milk Duds later.

Wedding Wars: Uncle Jessie's a gay cartoon! Sorry—"wedding planner well-versed in chignons and tea roses."

How the Grinch Stole Christmas: With Boris Karloff, the voice of the Grinch. Suck it, Jim Carrey.

The Most Fascinating People of 2006: Looks like a new eyelift for Barb! Plus: Pitt and Borat a no-show.

Clockwise:

The Most Fascinating People of 2006: Worst. Writing. Ever. "When Brad Pit and Angelina Jolie finally hooked up, their combined star power lit up the media universe in a blaze of sex and humanitarianism!"

House: Christmas Eve + oxycodone= The vomity detox episode!

The Biggest Loser: The finale. With a weight loss of 214 pounds, Erik wins and becomes The Biggest Loser. Reality TV in a nutshell.

Spike's Video Game Awards: Final plug just in time for the gift-giving season! Game of the year, Elder Scrolls IV.